The Perils of Prefect Patrol
by obstacle1
Summary: "James was going to kill him. He was going to be forcibly castrated." In which Remus does something really, really bad, and tries to hide it. A week in the lives of the Marauders. Remus/Lily James/Lily
1. Night 1: I Called First Dibs

Night 1: I Called First Dibs

* * *

James was going to kill him.

Remus paced around the dormitory, resisting the urge to hit something. Or to hit himself with something.

He was going to be forcibly castrated.

James and Sirius would be back from Quidditch practice soon. They knew hundreds of secret passages all over the castle. They could hide his body where no one would ever find it. Then no one would ever miss him. No one would cry for him.

It was all James' fault for making her cry.

* * *

"I hate him – I can't bloody stand him!" Lily was already venting, and they'd barely left the Common Room.

He could still see the Fat Lady. There had been about five seconds of nice, quiet prefect patrol before tonight's edition of _Why I hate James Potter_ had begun. With its reluctant audience of one.

In all honesty, he would just have started asking her questions about the Transfiguration homework that was due in tomorrow.

_Maybe I should get some hobbies._

At least Lily talking gave him an excuse to look at her.

_Is Lily-looking a hobby?_

He was rather good at Lily-looking. The trick was to do it when James was around. James would be too busy looking at Lily to see him Lily-looking, and Lily would be too busy reacting to whatever James had done or said to notice him.

The trouble was Sirius. Sirius was often Remus-looking when he was Lily-looking. Sirius would give him suspicious glares when he caught him. And he didn't think Sirius believed him when he said the reason he had to stare at Lily for so long every in transfiguration lesson was because he was trying Legilimency on her. To find out how to get her to like James, of course.

"—how anyone can be such a tosspot, I don't –"

_Tosspot. Tosspotter._

Maybe he'd leave that one to Severus.

Lily took a breath and smiled at the amused look he gave her. Something fluttered in his chest.

_Repress and suppress it._

Peter had said something similar when he'd tried going on a diet. But it hadn't stopped him sneaking back from the Kitchens with armfuls of Chocolate Éclairs at night, moaning about how tasty they were when they'd caught him.

The problem was, Lily Evans also looked pretty tasty. Even werewolf-Remus agreed. And Remus very rarely agreed with werewolf-Remus. They didn't get on very well.

Then again, werewolf-Remus thought all humans looked pretty tasty.

Remus wondered how long his Lily-diet would last. He looked at her. She was still talking about James. James was the whole reason for the Lily-diet.

_She's off-limits. So off-limits. More off-limits than the Forbidden Forest would be if it started growing on the third floor corridor._

He opened a broom cupboard and peered inside. Empty.

He wondered why he had to spend his evenings with Lily Evans pulling snogging students out of broom cupboards, and never actually got to go into one with her.

_Dangerous territory._

They walked down another corridor.

"Hamish—

_Hamish Dapperly. Seventh Year Ravenclaw. Tall, clever, good-looking bloke with perfect hair. Good at: Chess, Ancient Runes and kissing Lily Evans. Lily Evans' boyfriend. Bane of James Potter's existence. Marauder Prank Hit List: only a few spots below Severus Snape._

—broke up with me this morning", Lily said in a small voice, which was so different from her usual tone that Remus turned to look at her. There were tears shining in her eyes.

_Those lovely eyes. All green and lovely and deep enough to swim in. And watery._

Lily was about to cry.

_Ah._

He was no good with the girls that didn't cry. He didn't think he'd be any better with the girls that did.

_What about the advice Sirius had on the crying girls?_

Somehow he didn't think asking Lily if they could go up to his dormitory just one more time would help matters.

"Oh – did he say why?" he asked, pretty sure this conversation was a bad idea, but he didn't really have any other options. Other than patting Lily on the back, and saying 'there, there' consolingly. And that was a terrible idea.

"No—", Lily sniffled, and Remus prayed she wouldn't cry. Otherwise there would definitely be back-patting. "He did it just after Potions. He said it had nothing to do with the pranks, that it was because he wanted to focus on his NEWTs instead, and he didn't have time for me anymore."

Lily gave a sad little smile and blinked back tears as she looked up at Remus. He wished he had the nerve to comfort her.

_Off-limits._

"Ever since James started filling his satchel with Bubotuber Pus, he's been acting distant."

_That was actually my idea. Why do James and Sirius always get all the credit?_

She wiped her eyes and laughed bitterly. Remus suddenly wished the Bubotuber Pus hadn't been his idea.

"And then Sirius turned his tie into a Moray Eel, and you know he's allergic to seafood—"

_Yeah. James told me that last night._

He wisely kept quiet.

"—so he spent the entire afternoon in the Hospital Wing."

_Why had they done that prank? It was something James told them Hamish had said about the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. Something about having less backbone than a flobberworm and needing new chasers like Severus needs hair conditioner - come to think of it, that was exactly the sort of insult that James would come up with…_

"Does Hamish even play Quidditch?"

Lily gave him a strange look. "No", she said miserably. "He didn't even watch the last Ravenclaw match."

_Aha._

* * *

Peter was watching Remus pace around the dormitory with a worried look on his face. Nervous people tended to make Peter nervous.

It was all Peter's fault, really.

Why did Peter have to go out and get a girlfriend?

How did Peter even go about getting a girlfriend?

_Chloe Tindsley. Fifth Year Hufflepuff. Short, quiet girl. Plain-looking, but has a nice smile. Good at: being Peter's girlfriend, making Peter stutter, being a constant source of amusement to James and Sirius. Marauder Prank Hit List: absent_

Remus fell onto his bed and lay there, groaning to himself.

* * *

They came to the painting of Emperor Clawgustus, a hippogriff famous in centuries past. He was currently locked in deadly combat with three thestrals.

Lily sat down on the bench under the painting.

_This is turning into a sitting conversation. Sitting conversations are never good._

He would have preferred battling thestrals.

"Is it because of James, that boys dump me? Or is it something else?"

_Nah, it's definitely something else. It's those lovely freckles. It's the way you bite your lip in Potions when your potion doesn't turn out exactly like it should. Even though it almost always does. It's because you're so easy to talk to. It's that adorable lopsided smile you sometimes make when we're doing Ancient Runes homework together. It's because you're–_

_Off-limits._

"I dunno, I've never dated you", Remus said, far too quickly, and laughed nervously.

Then he wished he could punch himself in the face.

_Idiot._

He found that if he didn't look at Lily, it was easier to think what to say. He still had to listen to the sniffling, though. Something twisted uncomfortably in his stomach. It felt a lot like guilt.

_James has gone too far this time. We all went too far._

If he was being honest, the only reason he'd gone along with all the pranking was because the thought of Lily and Hamish together filled him with a bitter feeling he tried not to think too hard about.

"I saw them making fun of you at lunch, you know. I don't know why you put up with it."

_Great._

Now Peter had somehow managed to snag himself a girlfriend, James and Sirius had started teasing him mercilessly about his luck – or lack of it – with the ladies. And because he couldn't announce that werewolves weren't exactly hot property to the whole of the Gryffindor Table, he'd had to keep quiet.

"Yeah – well, that was light-hearted."

_I think._

"Why do you hang out with them?"

"Well, they're my friends."

"Really?"

Lily was watching him with something that looked like pity.

He hoped it wasn't pity. She continued.

"It's not like they're nice to you or anything; all they do is play pranks on you and talk you into keeping them out of detention by abusing your prefect privileges."

_They've done more for me than you'll ever know. Than you could ever imagine._

"What's it to you?" he shot back, starting to get annoyed.

"Because you're my friend too, Remus, and I don't see what you see in James – or what he's done that so great that you're fine when he mocks you."

_He accepted me. And convinced Sirius to do the same. He spent almost every night last year practicing to become an Animagus, just so I wouldn't have to go through full moons alone. He saved me from Azkaban. And he stopped me from killing Severus – your dear Severus._

"Lily, just stop it."

He didn't want to have this argument again. Unfortunately Lily didn't take the hint.

"No Remus, I won't stop it, the way he treats you, it's worse than what he does to me, because he's – because you're meant to be friends and he just—"

_Enough._

"It's got nothing to do with you!" he cried, infuriated.

"It does, Remus, because I care – I care about you." She stumbled for a moment, and then continued angrily. "—and I've seen the way you and Peter look at him, like he's some sort of hero or something, it's pathetic, _bloody_ James Potter, and you all–"

"Just leave it – just fucking leave it, alright!" he yelled. "All you do is _moan_ and _bitch_ and _whine_ about James – when you don't know the first thing about the things he does, the sacrifices he makes, how he nearly _died _for Sev—you don't know a _fucking_ thing about any of it!"

Lily was shocked into silence.

Remus stormed off down the corridor.

He'd nearly made it to the staircase at the far end when sounds – pitiful, gulping sounds – started coming from the bench.

She was crying.

_I've said too much. I can't go back now._

He came to an uncomfortable realisation.

_Those tears are my fault._

The guilt resurfaced. His anger had all gone by now.

_She was in tears about Hamish five minutes ago. And I shouted at her._

All Lily had really wanted to do was get him to stand up to his friends.

He walked back to the bench.

Lily wouldn't look at him. Her head was bowed, and she dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper.

"Don't cry", he muttered, feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.

_Please don't cry._

He wished Lily would shout at him, scream at him; do anything to call him out for being a bad friend. But she just sat there and cried. He didn't think he'd ever felt so small in his life.

"Lily – please –" he tried again, but all he got in reply were tears.

He sat down awkwardly on the bench next to her, and after a few seconds of sniffling, gave in and put a hand on her back.

_There, there._

But he never got round to much back-patting. Lily scooted under his arm and went straight in for a hug. Which was a nice surprise. Although now she was crying on him.

"You probably hate me too now. You and Hamish both."

"Of course I don't hate you", he told the top of her head. Even if his jumper was being used as a tissue. "It's just that there are things about James you don't – and won't ever know. Even if he acts daft around you, he's still the best person I know."

_I'm sorry I shouted at you._

"I just don't get why he does it then. Why he has to ruin everything relationship I'm in."

_I wonder why…_

"I'd think that would be obvious", he said with a chuckle.

Lily gave him a teary glare.

He decided to keep quiet. A silence followed. It was punctuated by sniffling.

_What would James think if he saw me now?_

**Careful Moony, you might get lucky at last.**

_He wouldn't even consider me a threat._

"Do you like me Remus?"

_Do bees like to bumble?_

Lily gave him a long look.

"Of course I like you, Lily", he said in his super-platonic best friend voice.

Remus wasn't really sure what other voices he had. Apart from his super-seductive boyfriend voice. Maybe he'd use that one later.

_Or never._

There was a damp patch on his jumper.

"You know what I mean, Remus", she said, her voice hard.

"Lily… come on…"

_Please be joking. Say 'hypothetically'. Say it. Please Lily._

"Remus."

He could feel the tickle of her eyelashes on his neck. She shifted slightly, turning her face up towards him, and Remus tried very hard to ignore the fact that Lily Evans was practically sitting in his lap. A pair of green eyes, hurt and vulnerable, looked into his.

_Ah. So you were being completely serious._

"Would it matter if I did?" he said at length, surprised at the bitterness in his voice.

"Yes." Lily said simply.

_Oh._

Remus didn't have anything to say to that. So Lily tried again.

"If it wasn't for James, would you – you know – would you?"

_Would I what? Help you with your homework? Hold you? Kiss you? Love you? Bed you? Wed you? Make you Lily Lupin? Everyone knows it sounds much better than Lily Potter – it's alliterative and everything –_

Those eyes kept looking into his, searching, asking him questions he couldn't answer. He couldn't keep looking at her, because it was only a matter of time before he gave in and did something unforgiveable.

So he pretended to be interested in the floorboards.

"Remus?"

Maybe it was his turn to take a hint.

"What?"

He wished Lily would stop with the questions.

"Look at me", she said quietly.

So he looked at her. And her eyes were filled with tears and wishes he could never answer.

Something in him broke. Lily saw it, and leant upwards a little. He could feel her breath on his chin.

Remus closed his eyes. And titled his head. Just slightly.

* * *

They'd be back from practice any minute now. Then he'd be toast.

He wondered if Lily liked toast. He wondered what Lily-flavoured toast would taste like.

_Delicious._

Maybe he could run away. But where could he go that wouldn't look suspicious? It wasn't like he could pull a Clawgustus and run off to battle thestrals.

_Oh, to be a hippogriff._

* * *

"Out." Lily said sternly.

Two very embarrassed Hufflepuffs scurried past Remus. He grinned at them. Then his arm was nearly yanked out of its socket as Lily pulled him into the broom cupboard.

"Close the door", she whispered.

_I thought we got rid of the Hufflepuffs?_

A blush darkened Lily's cheeks.

_Oh._

He closed the door. Everything went dark. Which was nice.

* * *

Remus stared at the dormitory ceiling.

Maybe there was a way out of this.

Maybe he could turn himself into a flobberworm, and flobber about without a care in the world for the rest of his flobber days.

But flobberworms only have a lifespan of two days.

Still, it was longer than his current life expectancy.

Maybe he could get a scholarship to the Romanian Quidditch Leagues, marry a quiet but sweet witch named Natalya, have three kids, called Dmitri, Ivan and Alexei, live in a wooden bungalow deep in a Romanian forest, and tend to his vegetable patch in the back garden three afternoons a week. He could play reserve chaser for the Bratislava Bullets. He could drink borscht six days a week and learn to hate the West. Hopefully this whole Cold War nonsense would blow over. He could do that—

Maybe he could be resorted.

He stood up, resolving to go straight to Dumbledore's office. The Sorting Hat could probably use the attention, considering it sat on a shelf for three hundred and sixty-four days a year.

Except what he'd just done had been neither clever, cunning, and most definitely not loyal. He probably couldn't even get into Hufflepuff.

He went back to his bed and lay there, groaning to himself.

* * *

Remus nibbled gently on Lily's neck and got a moan of agreement in response.

**You call that biting? All that sweet, succulent flesh—**

Remus ignored werewolf-Remus. Werewolf-Remus had a thing for biting necks.

And werewolf-Remus was also a sore loser.

_Neck-nibbling: Remus 1 Werewolf-Remus 0_

_Ha! In your werewolf face!_

Then Remus wondered why he was arguing with werewolf-Remus when there much more enjoyable thing he could be doing. Things like Lily.

_Steady on there, Romeo._

He settled for kissing. And maybe his hands wandered a little.

* * *

He looked at his pillow.

Maybe he could charm it to smother him. It would probably be a lot less painful than whatever James had planned.

_What kind of Tosspotter defends their friend and then betrays him immediately afterwards?_

Maybe he could polyjuice himself into Lily, because James could never be mad at Lily. And then he just had to make out with James a few times to take his mind off betrayal. And then years down the line, when James and Remus-Lily were happily married, he'd just—

Maybe he should stop coming up with ideas.

Lily's roommate, Olivia Gobson had probably told half the castle by now.

Maybe he could get Sirius to seduce her in exchange for silence—

Would Sirius seduce a girl if he wasn't given a reason?

Of course he would.

The door opened. This was it.

Frank Longbottom walked in.

_Sweet merciful Merlin, thank you._

"Hey Remus."

"Hey."

He lay back down on his bed. Frank continued.

"Things are going really well with Alice. We went to the Lake tonight – she told me she—"

"Not now. Frank." Remus groaned, burying his face in his pillow.

"Oh. Sorry."

And now he was being mean to Frank. Good-natured Frank, who'd never hurt so much as a Flobberworm.

What was it with flobberworms tonight?

Frank's went back down to Common Room, mumbling something to himself.

The quaffle-sized lump of guilt lodged in his stomach grew slightly. He wished he could disappear.

Maybe he could steal James' invisibility cloak. And live underneath it forever and forever.

But could he steal the cloak and Lily? Those were like James' two favourite things ever.

_"I don't belong to James Fucking Potter!"_

Maybe he shouldn't think of Lily as James' thing. Although James did have a pretty cool middle name. It was better than Archibald, at any rate.

* * *

"Aren't we supposed to stop this sort of thing happening in broom cupboards?" he asked once he got his breath back.

"Probably", Lily said, and even though he couldn't see her, he could hear she was smiling. "But I won't tell if you don't."

_I'm rather good at secret-keeping. Just ask werewolf-Remus._

He'd never caught anyone talking in a broom cupboard. They were doing other things. Things he should probably get back to doing.

He leaned forward into the darkness.

Lily made a noise of surprise. Then she made a noise of approval. Then his lips found hers, and he didn't have to think about anything anymore.

* * *

He picked up a textbook at random, flicked through a few pages, and tossed it back on the floor.

Maybe he should confront Lily. That would be fun.

_Lily dearest, love of my life, light of my days, you know that conversation we had last night? Yeah, that one – the one that ended in some lovely but misguided kissing about those jerks that dump you because they're frightened of James Potter. Well, I'm dumping you 'cause I'm frightened of James Potter._

Maybe—

Maybe she'd dump him! Maybe he was just a rebound from Hamish, an accident.

Remus wasn't quite sure how he felt about being someone's rebound.

If Lily dumped him it would be perfect.

Except the thought of Lily dumping him left him with a feeling that was a long way from what perfect should feel like.

What did perfect feel like?

_Lily's lips._

Remus groaned inwardly. At this rate James wasn't just going to kill him. He'd be fed to the Giant Squid.

* * *

In the end they managed to stop kissing for just long enough to get out of the broom cupboard.

"I think we should get back on patrol", he said, smiling as Lily straightened her jumper out.

She took his hand into hers and interlinked their fingers. His stomach did a flip.

"You know", she said, looking up at him, "Next time James and Sirius starting teasing you, I think you've got a pretty good story to tell them."

His brain clicked into gear.

_James and Sirius._

_Oh shit._

* * *

The Map was poking out of James' trunk. He hopped off his bed and went over to pick it up.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

His own dot was standing in the sixth year boys' dormitory. He didn't have to look far to find James and Sirius. They were coming up the staircase to the Fat Lady.

"Mischief managed".

_Friendship damaged._

* * *

Several broom cupboard ambushes later, they were back at the Fat Lady.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then", Lily said, giving him a coy smile that hinted at a number of things.

He nodded and got a quick kiss on the cheek before she hurried through the Portrait Hole.

He didn't go in for a while. There was an emptiness in his chest where Lily had been.

He could fill it with guilt.

* * *

James and Sirius walked in.

So this was it. He'd not had a bad run. He'd had seventeen good years, he'd found the three best friends anyone could ask for – although that number would very shortly be reduced to zero – and he'd kissed a girl. Although if he stayed alive another day or two, he might be able to do things that went further than kissing…

_Not now._

"Hey." James said.

"Hey." Remus said.

"Hey." Sirius said.

"Hey." Remus said.

"Did McNair put that Parroting Curse on you again, Remus?"

_Did McNair put that Parroting Curse on you again, Remus?_

"No."

James didn't have his wand out. He was going to be bludgeoned to death by a Comet 180.

_Goodnight, sweet prince._

"How was patrol?" James asked.

Remus gulped.

_Pretty standard. Wandering down empty corridors, weeding fourth years out of broom cupboards, and snogging Lily Evans senseless. What was that last one? Something about broom cupboards? No, the one after that…although, now you mention broom cupboards…_

"Oh, you know—", he said slowly, relieved to hear his voice didn't betray him.

_A voice can't, but a friend can._

"—pretty boring—"

If it had been any less boring he would have passed out.

"—you didn't k— miss much. Miss much."

James and Sirius were watching him curiously. It would be less suspicious if he didn't look like he was about to have a heart attack. Even if he was.

There was a short silence.

Perhaps they didn't know after all. Perhaps Olivia Gobson had died in a tragic potion-making accident.

_Oh happy day!_

But if he kept quiet any longer, they'd know something was up.

_Say something! Say anything!_

But all Remus could think about were soft lips and teasing fingers, and hair that smelt of flowers he couldn't name.

_Not broom cupboards. Broomsticks._

_"_How was Quidditch practice?" he managed, starting to think that James and Sirius really didn't know.

"Wet", Sirius said with a wry smile. "And windy. You alright Moony?" he asked.

_Uh-oh._

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just not feeling great – I think it's the moon."

_If the moon could stop you breathing with a smile._

Sirius frowned. "Isn't it the new moon tomorrow? Dammit – Prongs!"

Remus was saved from further questioning, as James snuck round behind Sirius and made a run for the bathroom with a cry of 'first shower!'. Sirius caught James by the ankle and tackled him to the ground, at which point James kicked out in an effort to free himself, but Sirius held on and managed to climb over him, dashing into the bathroom with a cry of victory.

A defeated James was left lying on the floor.

"I called first dibs", he said between breaths, looking up at Remus with a sour expression.

_I know you did Prongs. I know you did._

Remus went back to his own bed. He wasn't planning on getting much sleep tonight. Sirius was humming a victory tune from the shower.

"Night, Moony", Peter said, closing the curtains on his four-poster bed.

Remus didn't reply, because his brain had just connected the idea of _shower _with the idea of _Lily_, and had subsequently stopped working. And that was before the idea of _prefect's bathroom_ was added to the mix.

He punched his pillow and rolled over.

What on earth was he going to do on patrol tomorrow night?


	2. Day 1: Dealing with Ghouls

Day 1: Dealing with Ghouls

* * *

Remus resumed his Lily-looking at breakfast the next morning. He noticed there were several small, circular marks on Lily's neck just above the collar of her shirt. They were most definitely his doing.

And James had spotted them.

_Uh-oh._

"Evans - has Dapperly been giving you trouble?" he called out down the table, pointing to his own neck.

Lily blushed in response and smiled at Remus.

_Oh. Oh?_

This was a very dangerous thing to do. It muddled Remus' mind, already vulnerable in its early morning state, and made him think all sorts of daft thoughts. One of them being that it was a good idea to smile back at her. Until he noticed Sirius was watching him.

And Sirius definitely wasn't smiling.

_Keep it together, Moony. Don't make Padfoot Madfoot._

He looked down at his plate. Toast and scrambled eggs.

_Scrambled eggs. Tasty with a dash of pepper. Yum-yum._

**You know what else would be tasty with a dash of pepper? Lil—**

_Not now, you werewolf mutt._

Besides, Remus thought, Lily was more than tasty enough without pepper.

_No I didn't. Why would I think a daft thing like that?_

He should probably just keep his head down. And hope Sirius hadn't learnt Occlumency since last night.

_If he has, I'm toast._

He looked down at his toast. Being toast didn't look so bad. It looked better than being hexed by James Potter, at any rate.

"Evans, there's a great new curse I've been dying to use, just let me have a crack at Dapperly later, it'll be hilarious, I promise—"

Lily ignored James and smiled at Remus. Sirius looked suspiciously between Lily and Remus. Remus kept looking at his toast.

_I need some help here, toast. _

Maybe his toast had the answer to all his problems.

Unfortunately his toast didn't say anything. He tried to ply it with butter. But it stayed stubbornly silent.

_Curse you, non-magical toast._

Well, if hats and portraits could talk, he didn't see why his toast had to keep quiet.

Lily kept Remus-looking. Sirius kept Remus-looking. Remus turned around and looked at some Hufflepuff.

Peter looked at Remus.

"Moony, why are you eyeing up the Hufflepuff second year girls?"

_I don't know Peter. Maybe it's because I'm barely awake. Maybe it's because if I look at Lily I'll do something stupid, like smile, or blush, or wave. And when Inspector Potter and Detective Black catch me sending a loving look or two down the Gryffindor table, they will proceed to beat me to a pulp with those stale hash browns on the plate in front of you. _

_And I don't know if I'm more scared of telling Lily we can't be together because of James, or more scared of telling James I've been with Lily. _

Remus sighed and went back to his toast.

* * *

James let out a smitten sigh as he gazed across the Charms classroom.

"She's broken up with Hamish", he said to no one in particular, but Sirius, Remus and Peter all knew who he was talking about. "Diggory told me after breakfast."

_Amos Diggory. Sixth year Hufflepuff. Always looking cheerful about something or other. Good at: Quidditch, Herbology, and apparently knowing every intimate detail of Lily Evans' love life. _

_Although maybe not the newest detail. Me._

Remus tried to concentrate on his work, but his attention kept being drawn in a very similar direction to James', and he had to stop and remind himself why he should be concentrating on Charms instead of the charming Miss Evans.

_It's not fair to James because he's liked Lily since forever._

The problem was, James liking Lily didn't make him like her any less. And besides, Remus didn't know why James had to pick Lily. Girls were practically falling over themselves to get him to notice them.

But he knew that James only wanted one girl.

_I only want one girl, too._

The same girl.

_If only Lily had a sister._

He remembered that Lily did, in fact, have a sister.

_Petunia Evans, remember? Actually, on second thoughts, don't remember her. Eww._

Lily had invited him round once in the summer holidays last year. James had been so jealous he'd refused to speak to him for a week when they'd got back to school.

_It may be slightly longer than a week this time. _

There was an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach.

It might have been guilt. Or it might have been because Sirius was poking him in the stomach.

"Remus", he hissed. "Help me."

"What is it?" he whispered back, because Sirius looked really worried. Like someone had died worried.

"Have you done the homework?"

_Every week._

"Yes."

"Can I borrow it?"

Remus reached into his bag with a long-suffering sigh and pulled out the homework he had so diligently done earlier in the week. While Sirius had been off doing God only knows what.

_Probably some Hufflepuff witch._

"You're a lifesaver, Moony." Sirius grinned.

_Moony. _

Lily had once asked why James, Sirius and Peter called him that. He'd said it was because he was pale.

_"Well, I'm pale too Remus. Maybe they should call me Moony as well."_

_"They only call me that because I'm so pale and pasty – I mean, I look like death warmed over most days. _

_"Come off it, Remus! I think you look a bit better than death."_

_"You never know – death might be a looker."_

And Lily had laughed.

_"I still don't know why James doesn't call me Moony. He's always got some new nickname for me, and it's better than most, at least."_

_"Well, James definitely doesn't think you look like death warmed over. It's probably because I'm pasty-pale and you – you're more – um – pretty-pale instead."_

And he'd been about to carry on and say all sorts of things he wouldn't ever be able to retract, but he'd stopped himself and mumbled an apology. And Lily had smiled and blushed, but then the smile had disappeared and she had given him a long, searching look, like she wanted him to say something more. And they'd been standing alone together in a corridor. And he'd muttered some excuse about having to be somewhere. And that had been his day.

_Moony._

_You're a werewolf. Lily deserves better than a werewolf._

* * *

Remus looked at his cauldron in despair. His own potion was a black gloop he doubted even Slughorn could salvage.

_\- So, Mr Lupin, care to explain your recent drop in Potions grades? Haven't been concentrating in class?_

_\- On the contrary, professor. I've been concentrating very hard._

_\- Well, what on earth have you been concentrating on then? It can't have been your ingredients._

_\- Ah, you see, professor – it's –_

_\- Well, Lupin?_

_\- Lily, sir._

_\- Gilly? Like gillyweed?_

_\- Yes sir. Lilyweed. Lilyweed._

He looked up at a certain bench at the front of the classroom. A certain bench where Severus was showing Lily how to crush Sopophorous beans. Which involved Lily holding a knife. And Severus holding Lily's hand as he demonstrated. Several times.

**Just let me eat this one, Moony. Even Severus can't taste ****_that _****bad. **

He chopped one of his own Sopophorous beans with enough force to leave the knife embedded in the table.

_Careful, Snivellus._

For once, he was tempted to listen to werewolf-Remus.

* * *

His eyes travelled blearily across the page in front of him.

_…most often in graveyards. Amongst other places, ghouls can also be found to reside in the vaults of tall churches, the attics or upper rooms of mansions or old houses..._

Animated whispers were coming from the table next to his.

_…in graveyards. Amongst other places, ghouls can also be found to reside in the vaults of tall churches, the attics or upper rooms of mansions or old..._

There was a gasp of surprise.

_…graveyards. Amongst other places, ghouls can also be found to reside in the vaults of tall churches, the attics or upper rooms of mansions or..._

"No!"

_…places, ghouls can also be found to reside in the vaults of tall churches, the attics or upper..._

He realised he'd been reading the same sentence in his Defence textbook for the last minute. Maybe he should have gone to the library instead of the Common Room if he wanted to get some work done. At the adjacent table Lily and Alice were having a conversation that seemed to consist entirely of whispers and giggling.

_Alice Prewett. Sixth year Gryffindor. Short, mousy-haired, sweet girl. Looks cute when she falls asleep in History of Magic. Best friends with Lily Evans. Good at: distracting Frank, going missing with Frank, making Frank say daft things, gossiping with Lily, threatening to put James and Sirius in detention, arguing with James and Sirius when they tell her she isn't a prefect, demanding I put them in detention for her, arguing with me. Marauder Prank Hit List: absent. _

Alice noticed he was watching her and gave him a look of amusement. The kind of look that made him feel like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing.

_What, me? _

He pointed to himself and Alice nodded with a knowing smirk. Then she motioned towards Lily and blew him a kiss.

Lily turned around in horror. Alice started giggling again.

"Hi Remus", she said brightly, as Lily coloured and whispered furiously for her to be quiet, "I hear Prefect Patrol was more fun than usual last night—" she dissolved into laughter as Lily clamped a hand over her mouth and forcibly dragged her away up the girls' staircase.

He watched them go, perplexed, and returned to his textbook, finishing his chapter on _Dealing with Ghouls_. He wished the next one was called _Dealing with Girls_, but it wasn't; it was _Dealing with Giants and Goblins _instead. And then on to _Grims and Grindylows_.

Near the back of the book there was a chapter titled _Dealing with Werewolves_. Somehow it didn't seem fair that Lily could read about him, but there wasn't anything he could read about her.

_Except for the poems James writes for her. And those little hearts he draws with J+L inside them._

_Dealing with Guilt _would have been useful too.

* * *

"What if we turn all the desks in Flitwick's classroom into— no…" James broke off and looked up at the ceiling for prank inspiration.

It was after supper. The Mauraders were sitting on a sofa in the Common Room. All four were deep in contemplation. Peter sat up suddenly in excitement.

"I've got it! What if we vanish some of the staircases – wait for it – and replace them with illusions of staircases – wouldn't that be hilarious?"

"So some first year falls through the stairs and dies when he tries to get from Defence to Transfiguration? That would be a hoot, Wormtail."

"Really – oh – I thought it would be funny…"

"Well if you keep trying to be funny, you'll land us all in Azkaban, so tone it down a bit."

"Right… sorry... I guess we can't poison the pumpkin juice on the Slytherin Table then…"

"No!"

"We could replace the Fat Lady with that drunk monk again?" Sirius offered.

"Last time we did that no one could get into the Common Room for three days, remember? – we had to fly in through the dormitory window on our broomsticks – and Peter slipped off his—" James said, grinning at the memory.

"Only because it was raining that day!" Peter protested.

"Sure Pete, keep telling yourself that…"

"We were fifty feet up! I could have died!"

"Come off it! - you missed the chance to become a pranking martyr. It's a damn shame Moony had his wand out and levitated you before you hit the ground—"

Sirius turned to Remus.

"Any ideas, Moony? You've been pretty quiet."

The reason Remus was being quiet was because it was nearly Patrol time, and Lily had just emerged from the girls' staircase, and _oh merlin she was practically_ _skipping over_, looking entirely too enthusiastic for someone who was about to walk laps of cold, damp corridors for a few hours.

_That is – um – all we'll be doing._

"Hey", she said breathlessly.

And then she put her hand out for him to take.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. _

He looked at the hand. What a lovely, pretty, awful hand it was.

James and Peter stopped arguing and looked at the hand.

Acting on desperate inspiration, he took the hand and made a show of pulling himself up off the sofa, letting go of Lily as he did so, and hurried out of the Common Room into the blessed safety of an empty corridor. Lily followed him.

And then he did something he'd wanted to do all day. He kissed her. And there wasn't a damn thing James Potter or Sirius Black could do about it.

_Guilty bliss._


	3. Night 2: Freckles and Frowns

Night 2: Freckles and Frowns

* * *

"Are we going to get any patrolling done tonight?"

_I hope not._

"Well, if we stay in this broom cupboard, it stops any handsy Hufflepuffs from getting in here. And it just wouldn't be patrol without disappointing a few handsy Hufflepuffs."

There was a giggle in the dark.

"You know", Lily began, and he shivered at the sensation of her breath on his neck. "If a few handsy Hufflepuffs stumbled in, they wouldn't be the first to know. Alice was very interested to hear about your exploits last night."

"Was she now?"

"Of course", Lily answered. "What do James and Sirius – and Peter, think?"

_Oh, they're over the moon about it. Naturally. We're having a party later. Snacks and punch. Or just punch. Lots of punching. Punching me._

"I haven't told them yet", he said quietly, chewing on the words as he thought of how to explain to Lily that he was no better than Hamish when it came to fearing James Potter.

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Are you ashamed to be with me?" asked a small voice.

_Am I what? Lily—_

"Lumos."

A concerned countenance looked into his.

_Freckles and frowns._

"Why haven't you told them?" she whispered anxiously.

_Because I already go to the Hospital Wing once a month. And it isn't the full moon tonight._

"Because—"

Lily's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Don't you dare say his name, Remus", she hissed. "I don't want to hear it."

Remus thought long and hard about what he could say to avoid angry-Lily. Because he was rather frightened of angry-Lily. Even James was frightened of angry-Lily, and James was barely frightened of angry-McGonagall.

_James._

"James."

_I shouldn't have said that. _

And Lily seemed to agree with him, because she shot him a disappointed look and shuffled as far away from him as she could. Which was quite difficult, given the size of the broom cupboard. But the message was clear.

"I thought you'd be different. But you're just like Hamish. You care more about him than you do me."

Lily looked miserably at the floorboards.

_Do me?_

Remus blinked several times and willed his brain to stay on track. But staying on track was difficult, because angry-Lily had just vanished and disappointed-Lily had taken her place, all in a matter of seconds, and the only thing he knew for sure was that it was most definitely all his fault. Everything was all his fault. And he had to fix it.

"You know that's not true", he whispered, trying to take Lily's hand into his own, but she glared at him, her eyes deep with hurt, and he stopped. "I wouldn't be sitting here if it was. It's just with James, you know – he takes you for granted, and so whenever anyone else steps in he takes it personally. And he's going to think I'm betraying him."

"This isn't betraying him", she said fiercely. "This has nothing to do with James Potter. He's supposed to be your friend, Remus."

"I'm supposed to be his friend as well", he said glumly. "Look, I know I'm no good at this, but I've never had a girlfriend before–"

Lily brightened considerably at this.

"—and for what it's worth, I'd quite like to keep her."

_If she'll let me._

"And I owe James something. Something that can't ever be repaid."

_Severus Snape's life. And keeping me out of Azkaban._

"And if he finds about us, he might use it against me."

"Is it something you can tell me?" she asked.

_I don't think you'd like very much it if I told you you're sitting in a broom closet with a werewolf._

"No."

Lily shuffled back towards him and looked at him fondly. "I don't mind", she whispered, but Remus looked listlessly away, ashamed at his secret-keeping. "And I think we've talked far too much, considering we're in a broom cupboard."

_I agree._

He glanced up and Lily giggled at his hopeful expression.

"And you called me something just now", she whispered happily.

_I did._

"I did?" he said, feigning surprise.

Lily turned away, frowning in disappointment, and he could see she was already telling herself he'd said it by mistake, that she didn't mean that much to him, that he didn't care—

"Of course I meant it", he whispered, and Lily's eyes widened in relief.

She took both of his hands into her own and placed them in her lap, her fingers easing his wand from his hand into hers.

_Well, wands do get in the way of hand-holding._

But Lily obviously had something else in mind because all of a sudden there was the tip of a wand poking him in the neck.

_Er – Lily?_

"Toying with my affections isn't very nice, Remus", she whispered in her most menacing voice, which was spoiled slightly by the fact she was still smiling.

_Please don't hurt me. _

Remus remembered his hands were resting in her lap, and as he brought them up to defend himself, he discovered something rather interesting. The hem of Lily's jumper.

_Hmm._

His brain faltered for a moment as he remembered the sort of things that were usually under girls' jumpers.

_Not those sorts of things, you pervert. Those are Sirius things. And Lily isn't a Sirius-girl. _

But part of Remus wished Lily was a Sirius-girl. The same part of him that stole Peter's chocolate when he wasn't looking. The part of him that turned a blind eye whenever James hexed Snape in the corridors. The part of him that had cheated on an Ancient Runes test once in fifth year when he'd been sneaking Firewhiskey the night before. The part of him that had, for the last month, wanted to hex Hamish Dapperly when he so much as held Lily's hand in front of him. The part of him that wanted to do much, much more than hold Lily's hand. The part of him that lay away at night wondering what lay under Lily Evans' jumper.

_You know already know what's under her jumper. Her shirt._

His hands slipped under Lily's jumper. And they did indeed encounter a shirt.

Then remembered the sort of things that were usually under girls' shirts. And his brain almost stopped working altogether.

_Er – _

Luckily his hands didn't, because they found their way underneath the shirt as well.

And found bare skin. Bare skin. Lily's skin. Soft and lovely and warm under his fingers.

Lily let out a squeak of surprise and instantly clapped a hand to her mouth, blushing furiously.

_You look so cute when you're embarrassed._

She began stammering an apology, visibly mortified, and it took half a minute of whispered assurances before she would look at him. And she almost melted in relief when she did, seeing that he didn't mind in the slightest, and for a moment they were just friends again, sharing smiles and affectionate looks. Until Remus remembered he had his hands under Lily's shirt. Which didn't seem like a very just-friends thing to be doing. And Lily's breath caught when he reminded her where his hands were.

"Is this an accepted apology?" he whispered.

"Definitely", she breathed with a tantalising smile, shuffling closer, and he had to try very hard to ignore what she was doing to him and focus on what he should be doing to her.

"Can you_–" _he wheezed, glancing at her hand, where the wand she'd touched to his neck was now digging into his throat.

"Oh – sorry."

She removed the wand and gave him a kiss of apology.

"Better?"

"Much", he replied.

Lily let out another involuntary squeak and shivered in pleasure as his hands resumed their wandering and delved upwards, but neither of them was smiling anymore, and Remus could feel every intake of breath as her breathing quickened in response, and Lily blushed, embarrassed at how quickly she was unravelling in his hands, and he could see she was struggling keep a steady grip on his wand as his hands kept going, further and further up, until his thumb brushed fabric and he paused, drawing a long, ragged breath from Lily as she bit her lip and watched him, wide-eyed, hardly daring to blink.

"Nox", he whispered, gazing into those eyes that watched him with nervous excitement.

"Nox?" she repeated.

And all was dark again.


	4. Day 2: Lilyland with No Escape

Day 2: Lilyland with No Escape

* * *

Remus opened an eye slowly. The form of James, searching on the floor between beds for his school tie, appeared between his hangings.

_What should I do, James?_

"Do about what?" James stopped and looked at him curiously.

Could James read minds?

_Don't think about Lily. Do not think about Lily. Think about safe topics. Scrambled eggs. Transfiguration homework. Quidditch. Brooms. Cupboards. Broom Cupboards. Darkness. Teasing fingers and soft lips and Lily Evans – no! _

"Are you alright, Moony?"

_Toast. Breakfast blushes and sharing smiles and oh, Lil– stop! _

"Yeah – sorry – did I say that out loud?" he managed, concentrating very hard on not concentrating on—

_Lily. Oops._

"Yeah."

"Oh."

_I've cracked at last. I've completely lost it. Lost my wits. Lost my heart to—_

Remus rolled over and started to gnaw at his pillow. He looked quite feral.

_Lily._

A groan came from inside his four-poster as he tried, in vain, to banish Lily from his thoughts. James muttered something about breakfast and disappeared.

_Breakfast._

Remus wondered if there was anything tasty down in the Great Hall. It definitely wasn't the toast he wanted to ravish_._

_I didn't think that. That's a Sirius thought. I think about books and homework and being a good, studious werewolf who does his prefect duties—like Lily—_

He whimpered and made a valiant attempt to smother himself with his pillow.

* * *

It was all Alice's fault.

Lily and Alice usually came to Charms together. Lily and Alice usually sat together with the other Gryffindor girls at the front of the classroom. Remus usually sat at the back of the classroom, where James and Sirius could sit on either side and pester him for the homework from last lesson.

These were the unspoken seat arrangements for Charms. And they had been completely ruined because Alice had decided to show up late.

Without Alice, there had been an empty seat next to Lily. An empty seat next to Lily Evans very quickly became a seat occupied by James Potter. This had left an empty seat next to Remus, and as Alice had hurried in, muttering apologies and something about being in the Owlery which he assumed was code for _I was with Frank Longbottom Professor Flitwick and one thing led to another and we lost track of time… _she had taken the seat next to him.

Or more accurately, she had taken the seat next to him, and was currently trying to take his. Because as much as Remus wanted to focus on his Charms lesson, he couldn't ignore that Alice Prewett was sitting very close to him. And she kept giving him significant looks.

_Did – did you just waggle your eyebrows at me, Prewett? Do you want Frank to put me in the Hospital Wing?_

He had a small chance of surviving just James. But if it was both James and Frank, well – there would be a lot more Gryffindors seeing Thestrals very soon.

He looked at Alice. Alice winked at him. He looked down at his Charms notes. Then he looked up at Alice again. Alice muffled a laugh with her hand.

_Alice looks so pretty when she laughs._

Not that he would every say as much to Lily. Or Frank. Definitely not Frank.

He wished he could ignore Alice. The problem, as it usually was, was that he was a werewolf. With a wolfish sense of smell. And while it was relatively easy to stop Alice-looking – much easier than it was to stop Lily-looking, in fact – he couldn't ignore her. Because he could _smell _Alice. Her scent. What she'd had for breakfast. The shower she'd had before breakfast. And he couldn't stop wondering what Alice looked like when she showered, her pale, flawless skin, white as snow and just as soft, beaded with water, plastered with the orange hair that flowed right down to the small of her back, just above—

_Alice has brown hair._

Even when another girl was practically sitting in his lap, Remus only had thoughts for one girl.

_Lily._

Lily made him hate Hogwarts robes. Lily made him wonder what was underneath Hogwarts robes. Lily made him forget his own name. Lily made him forget to breathe when she smiled. Lily made him forget about loyalty to James. Lily made him forget James altogether. And whenever Sirius or Peter groaned about James' Lily-fixation, Lily made him keep quiet. Because he understood everything James felt, even if he didn't have the nerve to say so. Lily, more than anyone else, made him hate being a werewolf. Lily made him feel like he'd drunk six Butterbeers every time she smiled at him. Lily looked as pretty as every other girl looked when you'd drunk six Butterbeers. But he didn't need to drink six Butterbeers to have those kinds of thoughts about Lily. Lily made him ignore every other girl in school. Lily made sure he didn't even look twice at Alice.

Not that he would ever say as much to Alice. Or James. Definitely not James.

Remus decided it was probably best if he never told anyone what he was really thinking.

**I'll tell them.**

_What? This has nothing to do with you, you filthy mongrel. Are you trying to blackmail me?_

**If I don't get to eat a whole tasty, succulent human next full moon, I'll tell them all—**

_You can't talk, idiot._

**Then why can you hear me?**

_Er – because – _

Remus wondered if he should go and see Madam Pomfrey. And his expression must have said as much, because Alice looked rather worried and asked if he was alright.

"Yeah, fine", he muttered, wondering if there was a way to keep werewolf-Remus quiet. Or if werewolf-Remus was even real.

**Of course I am, you idiot.**

_You would say that._

"Remus?" a voice breathed into his ear.

_Alice?_

"Hmm?"

He followed Alice's gaze to the front of the classroom. To the two people his attention had been focused on all lesson.

_James and Lily._

Today, Lily didn't seem to despise James quite as much as she usually did. In fact, she was even smiling at some of his jokes; he could have sworn he even heard her _giggle _once.

_I bet James is stealing all my jokes. Only because his are all rubbish._

When Remus was with Lily, he found it very difficult to forget James was supposed to be his best friend. But when James was with Lily, he found it extremely easy. Especially as James had just – _just! _placed his hand on Lily's arm, and Lily wasn't cursing him or threatening to disembowel him like she usually did; she only shifted her arm slightly and looked at him in amusement.

_Grrr. _

There was a hand on his arm as well.

"What is it?" he whispered to Alice.

"James and Lily look to be getting pretty cosy over there. Jealous?" she whispered back.

"Not at all", said a high-pitched, nervous voice. And then it laughed girlishly.

_Oh dear._

It couldn't possibly have been Remus' voice, because his was so low and manly. And this voice made Alice sound like Hagrid.

"You don't have to pretend, you know", she whispered. "Lily told me about the two of you."

_I know. I've been trying to forget she told you – because if Lily told you, then it's just a matter of time before you tell someone, probably Frank, and then it's just a matter of time before Frank tells someone, probably Olivia, and then the whole school will know. And then we'll have a big school funeral for me. Dead me. Dearly departed me. _

"Remus?"

"Yes?"

"You and Lily?" Alice tried again.

_Er – yes – you and Lily and me – not like that – pull it together Moony – Lily told you about the two of us. Not the three of us. Definitely not. _

"Me and Lily?" he replied.

_Lily and I, you dolt. Love is no excuse for poor grammar._

"She seems quite taken with you, Remus."

_Quite taken!_

There was a pleasant, warm feeling in his chest.

At the front of the class, James was saying something to Lily. And Lily was laughing.

_Taken!_

"James doesn't know yet."

"You haven't told him?"

"Not exactly", he said, wincing at the thought.

_Hey James. You know the long-term love of your live – your Lily-flower? I kissed her last night and the night before that. And I really like her. No biggie._

"So…" Alice leant in even closer and Remus silently thanked Merlin that Frank wasn't taking Charms. "What do you think about Lily?"

_What do I think about what now? Lily Lu—Evans. Hmm. _

"She's really nice?"

Alice didn't look impressed. He really hoped he wasn't supposed to start talking about his Lily-feelings. Because he had a sneaking suspicion that Alice would start talking about her Frank-feelings in return and then of course they'd have to start going on double-dates to Hogsmeade where they could all talk about their feelings together and Lily and him would start doing lots of other coupley things like sharing Butterbeers and holding hands at lunch and trying to eat a meal with only one bloody hand and passing each other daft notes in Ancient Runes and everything would be going ever so smoothly until one night he'd wake up with the sharpened handle of a Comet 180 fashioned into a stake and driven into his cold, betraying werewolf-heart.

_I'm so sorry, James._

Then again, he might be overthinking things.

"Er—", he tried. "It's just—"

"The tender agonies of love?" Alice supplied, and smiled as he gave her a look of horror.

"You're hardly one to talk, Mrs. Longbottom", he replied, and chuckled as Alice gasped in mock-outrage and shoved him playfully. Then she leant in with a smirk and he stopped smiling very quickly.

"Don't act like you've never thought about it. Mr. and Mrs. Lily Lupin."

Remus went very quiet.

_Only once or twice. I swear. _

**Lies, lies! He thinks about it every—**

_Shh! Wait, why am I shushing you? She can't hear you anyway._

**Not yet. But soon. And then you'll have to buy my silence with yummy, yummy people—**

_Is all you think about eating people? It gets very tedious, you know._

**Tedious! Tedious – do you have any idea how boring it is living in your head, only getting out once a month, and all I get to listen to is Lily this and Lily that when there's a perfectly nice, edible girl sitting right next to you—**

_Lily._

Remus thought back to last night's prefect patrol. And smiled at some rather pleasant memories.

**Stop it! Please stop it, I'll stop talking about eating people, I'll do anything you want, I promise, just stop thinking about Lily Lupin-Evans or whatever you're calling her at the moment, I can't take it anymore – it's Lilyland with no escape in here! And you think I'm obsessed – honestly!**


	5. Night 3: Option 184

Night 3: Option #184

It's a long one, it's a good'un, - enjoy!

* * *

Lily was waiting for him with a smile in the Common Room.

_I know I'm not the first boy you've smiled at today, Miss Evans._

They walked over to the Common Room door a very respectable distance apart. Just two prefects who happened to be a boy and a girl and just happened to go on long walks with no one but each other for company. Nothing there to interest the Gryffindor rumour-mill. And if Remus offered Lily a hand to help her down from the Portrait Hole, and if Lily held onto his hand for longer than was strictly necessary, well they were just good friends and everyone else could mind their own sodding business.

"You seemed to enjoy someone's company more than usual in Charms today", Remus said, as the Portrait Hole closed.

"Well, someone put me in a good mood yesterday. And someone didn't seem to mind sharing seats with Alice earlier", Lily replied, with a teasing smile that wasn't quite convincing.

_Jealousy really does have green eyes._

She held onto his hand and stepped very close to him. Close enough for him to forget what he was thinking and lose himself in freckle-counting instead.

"I know something that can make you forget all about James."

_Oh no. You associate James with kissing. That can't possibly be good. _

"You don't want James over me, then?" he blurted out, and she drew back, frowning.

"No – Remus." He could see his concern reflected in her eyes. "Why would you think something like that?

_Because._

_Because everything. Because he made you laugh in Charms today. Because it's skinny, scarred, werewolf me up against the Gryffindor Quidditch captain who half the girls in this castle would give an arm and a leg to go to Hogsmeade with, and when he does that thing where he runs a hand through his hair to ruffle it up all the Hufflepuff girls sigh and I can't see why any girl in her right mind – especially you and your rather fine mind – would pick me over him. Because there isn't exactly a shortage of boys wanting to go with you to Hogsmeade either – I mean, most of us are willing to risk death by James Potter, so you must be a pretty good catch. Because you're a girl with options, and for most girls, Remus Lupin is about option #184._

"I dunno", he said, shrugging. "I haven't really thought about it before."

_Only every time you look at him._

"Now, don't you think if I wanted anything to do with James," Lily spoke carefully, wary of saying anything Remus could misinterpret, "or wanted to do anything with James—"

_Oh God. You already have._

"—I could have him quite easily?"

_I knew it. I knew it._

"Yes", he said glumly, ready for Lily to confess and tell him he was an idiot for thinking she could ever like him. Then she'd run off with James, and get married probably. And he'd still be standing in this corridor, heartbroken.

She linked her hands around his neck and drew his gaze down to meet hers.

"And have I done anything, or had anything done to me, by James Potter?"

_Yes?_

"No?" he said hopefully.

"No", she assured him, "because I want you, Remus."

A bubble of hope formed in his chest. Maybe Lily wasn't that smart after all if she just wanted him. Maybe she really did want him, and he wasn't just a distraction from Hamish, or another boy to make James jealous—

"She doesn't mean it, boy!"

Now, Remus being more than a little insecure, they hadn't made it far before he'd voiced his fears about James. Only about five steps from the Portrait Hole, in fact.

The Fat Lady and Violet were both sitting in the Portrait Hole, and as usual, a visit accompanied by Violet meant a visited accompanied by drink – which had rather obvious consequences, as neither of the ladies had particularly sober personalities to begin with. Especially the Fat Lady, who was fixing Lily with a scornful stare.

"Teasing the poor boy with all your past lovers, are you?" she asked.

"Excuse me?" Lily retorted, colouring. Remus winced.

_If you hex her, we can't get back into Gryffindor Tower. _

_I don't want to spend the night in an empty classroom somewhere. With you. And no one else. A night we could spend together. A night away from everyone else. A night to keep each other warm. A night where anything could happen. A night I could spend watching you fall asleep in my arms._

He almost hexed the Fat Lady himself.

"Who – hic – are these two, then?" Violet asked, peering down at Remus and Lily.

"This is the one I've been telling you about, Violet", the Fat Lady said in a stage whisper, "The redheaded temptress. Every night she leaves with some boy, they go off to god knows where and do god knows what, only coming back a few hours later in the dead of night, always waking me up – and then the next night she's at it again, the strumpet—"

"We're on prefect patrol", Lily said hotly, glaring at the Fat Lady.

"Is that what you call it, you hussy? I've known girls like you, saucy ones who think just because they're prettier than the rest of us proper, decent girls they can run off with a different boy every night—"

"It's the same boy every night!" Lily cried, pushing Remus back towards the Fat Lady for inspection.

_No – dammit Evans – _

He stumbled forwards, cursing Lily, and shrank back under the looks the Fat Lady and Violet were giving him with. Violet waved and blew him a kiss.

_Lily can't tell me off if women in portraits are flirting with me, can she?_

But Lily's expression said she most definitely could.

"Well, you're certainly more of a looker than her usual victims", the Fat Lady said, smiling in a way that made Remus very glad she was trapped in a painting.

_Um – thanks? But I'm already with someone._

"What victims?" Lily demanded, glowering at the Fat Lady from behind Remus.

_Someone scary. Don't tell her I said that. She'll hurt me. Please don't. _

"I wasn't talking to you, strumpet." The Fat Lady turned her nose up at Lily and gave Remus a grin so ghastly it gave him goosebumps. Not the good kind of goosebumps. Not the Lily-kind.

"Er – don't call Lily a strumpet, please?"

Remus knew he wasn't good at being assertive, but he was sure this was one of those stand-up-for-your-girlfriend moments Sirius and Frank were always complaining about, so he tried to sound like he was defending Lily. "Or a hussy", he added.

"She's playing you, you know – tomorrow she'll leave you for someone else and you'll be heartbroken—"

_I know she will._

"—like her past lovers, she has scores of them, I daresay—"

"Honestly, we don't have to listen to this", Lily snapped, and pulled Remus off down the corridor by his arm.

"Don't let her take your innocence, my boy!" The Fat Lady shouted after them, as Violet waved them off with a tipsy grin.

_I should be so lucky. _

Remus wasn't sure he'd be listening to the Fat Lady if Lily wanted to take his innocence.

_Careful Romeo. Those are dangerous thoughts._

Lily dragged him into an empty classroom. There were more dangerous thoughts.

"So", she said, with her most enticing smile. "What should we do tonight?"

_Each other?_

"Er—"

He tried to look as innocent as possible, but Lily saw right through him.

And hit him.

_Ouch! Curse you, dangerous thoughts. _

"Now listen here, Lupin", she said sharply, although there was a note of amusement in her voice. "I think you've been listening to the Fat Lady a bit too much if you think that's where this is going—"

_I didn't mean it like that – spending all this time with Sirius has ruined me. And when you look at me like that, what am I supposed to think? _

"—especially considering this is only our second date!"

_Um… come again?_

"Are these dates?" he asked incredulously.

_If they are, I should have definitely worn something nicer than an old jumper I nicked off James. Perhaps I should stop nicking things that belong to James. Like his old jumpers. And his Transfiguration homework notes. And his Honeydukes chocolate stash._

_And Lily Evans. _

Who was doing her blushing best to backtrack and apologise.

"No?" she winced at his fearful expression. "Not if you don't want it to be, there doesn't need to be any pressure, this doesn't have to be official, it was Alice's idea anyway, I know you can't tell James, I just thought it would be nice to call them that – and anyway, I didn't think the first night counted, because we didn't know about it – not that I didn't want it to happen, it was just the whole thing with Hamish and then – I don't know, Remus, I just – I just really like you— anyway, last night when you called me your girlfriend, and I thought that maybe you thought – I mean, I thought that you thought that these were dates but if that's not what you thought I think that's—"

_What – what – WHAT IS GOING ON? _

"Stop – please", he said, trying to rescue Lily from her own explanations, but she kept rambling on, becoming more and more frantic, less and less coherent, until he gave up and silenced her with a kiss.

_Mmm. Much better. _

"Now, if this really is a date…" he tried again, only for Lily to beam at him and catch him round the neck in excitement.

"I knew you'd understand! Alice kept saying it was and I didn't believe—"

_Don't make me kiss you again, Evans._

He placed a finger on her lips and she stopped to watch it with a look of nervous concentration, not trusting herself to keep quiet for long, which left him trying to ignore how adorable she looked when she was slightly cross-eyed, because he didn't really trust himself not to kiss her again.

"If this is a date…"

He looked warily at Lily. She kept quiet and nibbled on his finger in compliance.

_As nice as that is, I'm trying to form whole sentences at the moment. So please stop it._

"…then I think I should choose the location."

Lily nodded eagerly. He slowly removed the finger from her lips with a look that said very clearly any more outbursts would not be tolerated, and she remained obediently mute as he took her by the hand and led her off down the corridor.

For someone with a furry little problem, Remus thought he could be quite smooth sometimes.

"What happens on the third date?" he whispered.

She hit him again.

* * *

Sirius hit him again. Or rather, thumped him rather painfully on the shoulder. Lily gave playful punches, but these ones hurt a bit more.

They were sitting in the dormitory bathroom. Remus had returned from patrol quite a bit later than usual, and everyone else was sound asleep. Everyone else except Sirius, who had dragged him into the bathroom the moment he'd come into the dormitory, when he would have much rather have gone straight to bed and warmed up. Because he was _bloody_ freezing. And as taken as he was with Lily, he didn't really want to be taken with pneumonia as well.

"Pay attention, Moony."

Remus wondered if all his distractions had freckles.

_My Lily-flower does. And Lilies are the best flowers of all. Even better than tulips. Or maybe Lily chewing her lip? That's always nice. _

It seemed he was dangerously close to becoming completely Lily-smitten. Smitten or love-bitten.

**Bitten? What's this about biting? Are we finally getting round to—**

_Shh._

His silence earned him another Padfoot punch.

_Ow!_

"Listen." Sirius gave him a venomous stare. "You've got some explaining to do, Moony. Because I highly doubt your prefect patrol route involves spending an hour in the Room of Requirement."

_What? No—_

And he thrust the Marauders' map at Remus, who snatched at it and went cold with horror.

_Shit. I'm in deep. Shit._

* * *

"Here we are", he said.

They were standing in an empty corridor. Lily looked at him dubiously.

_Oh ye of little faith…_

Remus wondered if Lily would permit to being blindfolded. Not that it mattered either way, because he wasn't brave enough to ask her.

_Okay Room, _he thought fervently, _this is it. I need something… something romantic._

He had a sudden vision of pincushions with tassels. And horribly florid wallpaper.

_Maybe not too romantic, then. Please don't turn into Madam Puddifoot's. I just want someplace cosy and warm. _

Of course, if the Room responded to what he really wanted, he might be in quite a lot of trouble.

_Behave yourself, Room. Lily isn't that type of girl._

He hoped there wasn't a bed. If there was he could blame it on Sirius' last visit to the Room. But he didn't think Lily would like the implication very much.

* * *

He held the Map numbly.

"Not so smart now, are you Moony?"

"Sirius, I swear, nothing happened, we were just talking–"

"I don't want to hear it."

"What have you told James?" he asked.

"You seem awfully worried for someone who claims to have been doing nothing but talking all night", Sirius coolly remarked.

Remus winced.

_You got me. _

"You're not so good at lying when it comes to the girls, are you?"

_Not nearly as good as you._

"Any tips?" he asked, trying to lighten the mood. Sirius chuckled.

"It takes years of practice", Sirius said with a roguish grin, and for a moment everything was back to normal, and they were just two friends, joking about girls in the dormitory. Then his expression hardened. "Come on Moony, you should know Lily's a no-go. Even I know that, and I almost never listen to James."

"Yeah, I know."

_No-go. Off-limits. Potter-prohibited. Feelings-forbidden. Already spoken for. _

Remus wasn't entirely sure why Lily couldn't speak for herself.

"You're going to tell James everything. Tomorrow. Or I will. And believe me, I won't make it sound as innocent and misguided as you will." His face was set.

Remus nodded glumly in agreement. Sirius looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry Moony. I know we're mates. But I can't lie to James now I know – and you know how he gets when it's Lily. But at least there are other girls – fish in the sea, and all that."

_There's only one fish for me._

* * *

"Well?" Remus asked nervously, because Lily was looking around the Room, frowning at something he couldn't fathom.

The Room – well, it hadn't done much, actually. There was a fireplace, crackling merrily as it bathed the walls in a warm orange glow. Aside from a few cushions, loosely arranged by the fireplace, and a large, solitary, woolly blanket, that was it. No bed.

_Is it the fireplace? Is it the cushions? Is it me? Oh Merlin – it's all three, isn't it? We can go – I know this is a rubbish date, I bet Hamish made you dinner and wrote you poems and tamed a unicorn from the Forbidden Forest just so he could give to you as a pet, didn't he? _

"Have you taken girls here before?" There was a note of apology in her voice for asking the question, but he could see she needed to be reassured.

_Of course I have. I'm Remus J Lupin. Werewolf womaniser. Every girl's wolfy wish._

"Never", he said, smiling at the absurdity of the thought.

Lily brightened considerably and led him to the fireplace. "Sorry for asking. I just – I wanted to be the first."

"I'm not Sirius, you know. And I doubt many girls would want to come up here with me", he said wryly.

"I can think of a few", she said, lying down beside him and covering them both with the blanket. "Don't think I haven't noticed Katie Peerson practically _ogling_ you every single lesson in Runes."

_Wait – what?_

The concept that a girl could like him was rather new to Remus.

_Katie Peerson. Sixth Year Hufflepuff. Tall, skittish girl who always looks nervous around me. Good at: Runes, arguing with her younger brother in the Great Hall, and looking at me, apparently._

"Katie Peerson?"

"Oh, definitely." Lily said it like he was the last person in Hogwarts to know. "Always looking at you like you're on display in the Honeydukes shop window. God, most lessons I have to stop myself from hexing that Hufflepuff cow. No one looks at _my_ Remus like that."

She sounded quite aggressive. Apparently jealous-Lily and girlfriend-Lily came together. And neither of them liked other girls Remus-looking.

"I'm your Remus now, am I?" he asked, feeling a bit flattered, but mostly frightened.

_Gulp._

"Of course. And I'm not sharing you with anyone." A pair of thin arms snaked around his chest to hold him possessively. "And luckily for me, you always come and sit next to me in Runes, so I don't have to worry about any Hufflepuffs stealing you away from me."

"I thought you tried to sit next to me?"

"No, you try to sit next to me. I sit wherever I want", Lily grinned at the look Remus gave her, and turned to look around the room herself. "What is this place, anyway?"

"An idea I had", he said. "Prefect patrols are cold. And I always liked it when we conjured blankets and got warm by the fireplace in the Common Room after patrol, when everyone else had gone to bed. Every night I wanted to share a blanket with you. I thought that if we did it that way, we could warm up together."

_I did also have some other ideas on how we could warm up together. _

These were the sort of ideas Remus planned on keeping to himself.

"You never asked about blanket-sharing." Lily sounded wistful. "How long have you wanted to?"

"Wanted to?"

"Share a blanket with me", she said softly. "When did you first know that you liked me?"

_Since back in second-year when we found a boggart in Defence which turned into a werewolf when I approached it and afterwards you gave me a hug and told me you'd protect me from all the werewolves in the world._

But somehow, saying he'd had feelings for Lily when she was thirteen didn't sound very good. Especially since she'd probably heard Peter asking him about the second-year Hufflepuffs at breakfast the day before.

_Now Lily will think I've got a thing for second-years. Thanks a bunch, Wormtail._

He trawled through his thoughts for a good Lily-memory. A more recent Lily-memory.

_Aha!_

"Remember that time we were paired together for Herbology, fourth-year? And we were bad – really bad at collecting Bubotuber Pus into the vials Sprout had given us, so bad we were the last ones left in the greenhouse. Anyway, we'd managed to spill most of it on the floor, so we were constantly falling over, and at one point I had to catch you or you would have knocked over half the plants in the greenhouse – I would never have been that brave normally, I think I'd have let you fall down a staircase before touching you in front of James." Remus paused and Lily giggled. "But then I was holding on to you and you were holding me, and it was only for a moment but I had the thought that you didn't look half bad even when you were covered in Bubotuber Pus. And then I wondered what you looked like when you weren't covered in Bubotuber Pus."

"What happened then?" Lily asked, smiling at the story and wriggling closer to Remus under the blanket.

"Well, the next day I saw what you like when you weren't coated in green sludge. And – you still didn't look half bad – I think I rather liked you then."

"_I didn't look half bad_." She smiled at the understated complement.

Both were quiet for a moment as they watched the fire crackle.

"It's your turn now", he whispered, giving Lily a nudge of encouragement. She looked at him apprehensively.

"Do I have to?"

He nodded.

"But yours was lovely and funny. I don't want to spoil it", she mumbled into his jumper.

"Please? It can't be that bad."

"Fine", she groaned. "Mine was last year – just before Easter."

There was a moment's hesitation before she continued.

"You found me in the library. Petunia had sent me a letter, and I'd brought it down from the Owlery to read. It said – it said that she didn't want me to come back for the holidays because she had a big piano recital that she was playing for the whole school, and I'd distract mum and dad from her with my _black_ _magic_ and _tricks_. She said we weren't really sisters after all, and if I wanted to stay at school for the summer holidays, that would be fine with her too. And then she realised _witch_ rhymed with _bitch_, so she wrote a bit more after that…" Lily tailed off, frowning, and Remus tucked a stray strand of red behind her ear. She shuffled closer in response.

"And then you came over. I knew you could see I'd been crying, but you didn't say a word. I gave you the letter to read – I don't know why I did that, it wasn't really the sort of thing you ought to share.

You read it. And at first you just looked confused, but when you finished it, you looked genuinely upset. I thought it was like you could almost understand what it was like, having someone hate you for something you were. Something you couldn't change about yourself."

Remus wondered if Lily would hate him for something he was. Something he couldn't change about himself.

_You did promise to protect me from all the werewolves in the world. Even the one that you're currently cuddling. _

"And I didn't cry again or anything like that – but you could see how much the letter hurt me – and you took my hand. And I remember thinking I quite liked holding hands with you." Lily bit her lip and looked up at him nervously. "Was that awful and embarrassing?"

"Not at all", he said, touched by the story. "Although I might have to tell Alice about it."

"You wouldn't dare."

"I might."

"Alice would enjoy it far too much. She thinks our secret night-time trysts are awfully romantic."

"Are they?" he asked.

"This one definitely is", Lily whispered with a smile, and treated him to a quick kiss.

* * *

"What happened?" Sirius demanded. "Exactly."

_Well, your honour, we went for a long and not entirely harmless walk—_

"Er – there was a fireplace, and we sat in front of it for a while – together – but not too together, I mean, we only kissed once or twice, I swear, if that. It definitely wasn't a date."

_It might have been a date. Just every-so-slightly a date._

For some reason, saying he'd kissed Lily seemed to cheer Sirius up, because he let out a long breath and sighed in relief.

"Sorry, Moony. I thought the worst had happened. Well, you're a better bloke than me, at any rate."

_I'm a better bloke than you? What do you mean— Oh. Like that._

Remus thought that, given the chance, he would most definitely not be a better bloke than Sirius.

Sirius continued. "I know we're all mates here – but James is my best friend. And there are things – things he won't be able to forgive, and neither will I. So this thing you're having with Lily can't go any further. It'll kill him if it does."

* * *

"I wish we could stay here all night", Lily murmured.

_Me too. Me too._

A pop sounded on the other side of the Room and a four-poster bed appeared, seemingly from nowhere.

Unfortunately Remus knew exactly where it had come from.

_No no no! – I wish there was no bed, no bedding, no pillows, no duvets, no thoughts about spending the night with Lily, no thoughts about spending the night in the same bed as Lily…_

Lily sat up in excitement.

"Remus, look! There's a bed."

Remus closed his eyes and thought fervently about Transfiguration homework and the hairs on Peter's big toe and his father's tax audits and Horace Slughorn in a dressing grown—

_The horror! The horror!_

"It just appeared—oh. It's gone now."

He peeked fearfully across the Room and let out a breath of relief upon seeing it was bed-less once more.

"I didn't see it", he said lamely.

"It was definitely there", Lily said, peering around the Room with the expectation of seeing the bed reappear at any moment.

"Are you sure you did imagine it?"

"Pretty sure", she replied, although there was a note of doubt in her voice. "I don't know why there would be a bed, though", she added, lying back down, and Remus tried in vain to ignore how her body _felt_, pressed against his: the way her legs were tangled up with his own, the way her breath tickled his neck, and the slow rise and fall of her chest, soft and warm on his stomach.

_Why would there be a bed? Because I'm a boy. And you're a girl. And we like each other. And we've been cuddling for an hour now. And sometimes cuddling leads to places. Places that require beds. Places that land me in beds in the Hospital Wing, courtesy of James Potter._

* * *

"Let's go to bed", Sirius declared with a yawn, and stood up. "It's too late for all this—"

_Bed. Now there's a thought._

"—I really don't know how you spend so much time disciplining people, Moony. Being a prefect must be exhausting."

_It has its perks. Lily-perks._

"You and James have given me plenty of practice", Remus grinned.

Sirius was looking at him sternly.

"Moony?"

Remus could hear the warning in his voice.

"You have to tell him about Lily. I'm serious."

_I know you are, Sirius._

Sirius left the bathroom, and Remus knew the jokes were only an attempt to distract himself from the fact he was in serious trouble.

_Sirius trouble._

* * *

"Sorry – there's usually more than a fireplace and some cushions."

Lily watched in wonder as the door to the Room of Requirement vanished into the wall.

"I loved it", she said shyly, and as she watched him with trust and affection in her eyes, looking so content in the flickering candlelight of the corridor, Remus felt something in himself he no longer needed to deny.

_I love you._

"Me too", he managed.

They began their walk back to the Common Room.

"It's cold without the fireplace, don't you think?"

_You're much too hot to get cold, Lily. _

Remus came dangerously close to punching himself in the face. Or worse, speaking.

_That the kind of line Sirius would use. Although if I were Sirius, and a bed appeared when I was in the Room of Requirement, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have got up and left. I'd probably still be in there… with you… doing things…_

He had another thought. He very carefully filed this thought away into a box in the back of his mind and tried to forget the thought had ever existed. The box was labelled _Things I Must Never Say Aloud To Anyone Ever_. The box was quite a large box, and a good deal of thoughts in it were Lily-thoughts.

"Remus – you're not cold then?" Lily asked again, and he realised he'd forgotten to answer the original question.

_I don't feel cold. But then again, I always feel warm inside when we're togeth—_

Maybe he should obliviate himself. But how did somebody going about obliviating themselves? He couldn't remember ever doing it before. Which either meant he had done it before, or he'd never done it.

_Hmm._

"Um – yeah?"

Lily hugged herself and rubbed her arms for warmth.

_Well, can't you use a heating charm?_

She chewed on her bottom lip and looked at him hopefully.

_Really?_

She was still looking at him.

_Don't give me those eyes. _

She sighed and nudged his foot with hers.

_Fine!_

Remus relented and took his jumper off, muttering darkly about underhand tactics and women of the night and saucy hussies until Lily silenced him with a smile and pinched the jumper from him. And he had to admit, she did look cute when she rolled the sleeves up. Almost cute enough to stop him from shivering. But he couldn't cast a heating charm on himself now, or he'd lose valuable boyfriend points.

_Brr – brilliant. _


	6. Day 3: Boyfriend Material

Day 3: Boyfriend Material

* * *

"Today", Professor Proctor began, as an animated piece of chalk scribbled merrily away on the chalkboard behind him, "We shall be working on Patronus Charms. And as you should have read for homework, a Patronus Charm needs a Patronus memory."

The Marauders were sitting at the back of the classroom in Defence. Remus gazed up at the ceiling and wondered if he had any memories that were Patronus-worthy.

_Birthdays? Lonesome. Family holidays? Humdrum. Christmas? Not much fun. _

Being a werewolf didn't offer much in the way of good memories. Although there was that night in second year when James and Sirius had told him they knew he was a werewolf and had accepted him for it. That had been pretty special. But thinking about James brought with it a lot of other thoughts that weren't really Patronus-material. Thoughts about guilt and betrayal and treachery – and a certain someone.

A certain someone who caught his eye from across the classroom. And winked at him.

_Don't bat those lovely lashes at me, Miss Evans. I am perfectly immune to your charms, I'll have you know. They have no effect on me whatsoever—_

A certain someone blew him a kiss and smiled.

_Oh. Hey you. I'm charmed. Charmed Lupin. No – I mean – Remus – Remus Lupin – stop it! You know I don't know how to flirt back. Werewolves aren't taught things like that. _

Lily bit her lip and gave him a frustrated look. He'd seen that look before. Usually when he pulled away from her—

_Out, treacherous thoughts!_

But now all Remus could think about were those lovely lips. And kissing Lily.

"—a time when you felt happy, elated—"

Proctor was describing the ideal type of memory. It was almost as if Lily knew what he was thinking about…

_Ah. Aha!_

She giggled at his reaction.

_Well, if you wanted me to think clearly, you shouldn't look at me like that. It's very distracting._

"—a particularly vivid, powerful memory—"

_Come back, treacherous thoughts! _

Suddenly there were a lot of rather good memories in Remus' head.

"Now, I want you to practice yourselves," Proctor said. "Don't get too disheartened if you don't see any results to begin with – this is complex magic and can take several weeks to master."

Remus looked around the room and wondered why most people were frowning at their wands. Making a Patronus seemed like it should be an awful lot of fun.

He closed his eyes and focused on a particularly treacherous thought. The kind of thought that was punishable by death if it ever found its way out of his head and into James'.

_James_.

There was a twinge of guilt in his stomach. He tried to ignore it.

_Just pretend you're not a werewolf. And James doesn't exist. _

_And you can make Lily happy._

And for a moment, he almost believed it.

"Expecto Patronum!"

There was more than conviction in Remus' voice; there was hope, belief, something approaching love as he cast the spell and was immediately rewarded with a white, glowing mass of light that streamed from his wand and shone brightly over the classroom. A chorus of _oohs _and _aahs _came from the rest of the class, and Lily clapped in delight – which may have been a bit too conspicuous, because she blushed under a few stares and had to endure some good-natured ribbing from Alice.

"An excellent first attempt Mr Lupin!" Professor Proctor exclaimed. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"

Remus wondered what ten points to Gryffindor were redeemable for.

_Bad thoughts, bad! Stay out the Lily-gutter._

He looked at Lily.

_Thank you. _

As usually happened when he looked at Lily, he forgot to concentrate on other things. Mostly thinking. And breathing. And noticing that Sirius was scowling at him. But also maintaining spells. The light faded and disappeared, and the rest of the class had gone back to frowning at their own wands and muttering the incantation.

So it wasn't a Patronus. But it was a start.

And Lily gave him a look that said she only needed another night or two for it to be a full Patronus.

_Wink wink, nudge nudge._

Remus dearly hoped he was thinking what Lily was winking.

* * *

"Transfiguration this afternoon", Peter noted, munching thoughtfully on a mouthful of turkey. "The usual, Prongs?"

"Of course", James said, with his usual bravado. "Can't disappoint, can I?"

"What if you didn't ask Lily out at the end of Transfiguration?" Remus said tentatively, suddenly feeling that James asking Lily out for the two-hundred-and-seventeenth time had lost its novelty.

And also because it was _his _Lily James was talking about now.

And he definitely wasn't about to let another boy ask her to Hogsmeade.

_Grrr. Not a chance._

And if werewolf-Remus just happened to attack and horribly maim Prongs on the night of the next full moon, well, it was bound to happen eventually.

"Why would you say that, Moony?" Sirius asked, glaring at his roommate.

Remus glared back.

_Why don't you go back to eating your shepherd's pie, Sirius?_

"Well, _Padfoot_, I was thinking if James doesn't ask Lily out when she's expecting it, she'll wonder why he's stopped. And then she'll actually consider going to Hogsmeade with him the next time he asks—"

_And leave me heartbroken._

"—Plus, she's less likely to treat it as a joke if James waits a few days—"

_Or a few years._

"-and maybe she'll think he's asking her because he wants to, and not because he's trying to irritate her, like he usually is", Remus added, in his best reasoning voice, and then wondered why he was giving James advice that might actually work.

_Oops._

There was a pause at the table as the other Marauders digested this idea. And their lunches.

"Nice one, Moony", James said at length, grinning. "How did you think of that? For someone who's never asked a girl out, you've got all the ideas."

_How did I think of asking Lily out? This – um – might not be the first time I've thought about it._

* * *

They had a system for Ancient Runes homework.

Lily was good at Egyptian, he was good at Norse, and they struggled through Atlantean together.

Usually, the system worked. This was because the system did not involve Lily leaning over his shoulder, chewing her lip in concentration and putting all sorts of thoughts into his head that didn't have anything to do with Ancient Runes.

"Well, you know how to do that one", he said, pointing at a question down the page.

"I do?" she gave him a quizzical look.

_I do!_

_I pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride._

Remus started thinking about what usually happened on wedding nights.

_No I didn't. I was thinking about Norse verb tables. Harmless homework. _

Homework wasn't quite so harmless when he had to do it with Lily. She was saying something. He wondered what it was.

"Remus?"

"Yeah? Sorry."

"What are you thinking about?"

_Marry me._

"Oh, you know – some pretty Hufflepuff girl", he deadpanned.

Lily didn't look impressed.

"See, I thought someone needed help translating their hieroglyphs."

_I do!_

"It was a pretty Gryffindor girl?" he tried.

"Much better", she said with a smile.

"Yeah – I was just thinking about Alice – and how lucky Frank is—"

Lily snatched her homework back with a scowl and went back to her own chair, glaring at Remus as she tore a page out of her notebook and started writing.

"Dearest, darling James", she began, reading out loud. "I can contain these feelings no longer—"

_You what?!_

She looked across the Common Room at James and gave a lovesick sigh.

"—and so I must tell you my deepest secret. I love you, James. It is my wish – no, my heart's desire—" she lifted her quill and paused to smirk at Remus, who was listening to the letter with an expression of horror. "—that you accompany me to Hogsmeade this weekend, because I really, _really_, want to hear all about how super fantastic you are at Quidditch, and how cute, and handsome and clever you are."

_Please make it stop. I'll never say anything about Hufflepuffs or Alice Prewett being prettier than you ever again. Just make it stop._

"Lovingly yours, Lily Evans." She folded the note into a paper plane, conjured a pink ribbon and tied it in a bow on the nose of the plane. "P.S.", she continued, writing on the plane's wing, "Last night, Remus Lupin kissed me and tried to seduce me by a fireplace. It was very romantic. I just thought you should know."

She cast a quick charm to animate the note and sent it speeding over to James.

_No!_

Remus leapt from his chair and plucked the letter from the air just before it zoomed past him.

_Yes!_

And landed rather heavily on the floor.

_Ouch._

Lily looked down at the floor beside her. There was a scowling werewolf looking up at her. She smiled at him. The scowling werewolf went back to his desk and read the letter he was holding. It was written exactly as he'd feared. Every_ i _was dotted with a little heart.

_Disgusting._

"What do you think?" she asked innocently.

"Incendio."

The paper monstrosity burst into flames and was reduced to ashes – all except the ribbon, which didn't seem to be flammable. Remus was left holding a charred pink bow. He looked at it in disgust. Lily smiled sweetly at him.

_Go back to your hieroglyphics. I'm not talking to you anymore._

James was watched the pair of them closely from across the Common Room.

Remus had to look down at his desk and double-check he'd burnt the letter.

_I only got this one – I bet Lily sends them to him all the time. I bet he gets hundreds every day, and sends hundreds back. I bet he bought an owl and named it Cupid for the sole purpose of swapping love letters with Lily. And I bet she keeps every single one in a little drawer in her bedside table, and reads them every night before she goes to sleep._

He went back to Lily-looking. And saw why James was Lily-looking.

Lily was wearing the jumper he'd given her last night. The jumper he'd nicked off James. Lily was wearing James' jumper.

_That has to mean something. Girls only steal clothes from their boyfriends._

So, either Lily was James' girlfriend—

_I knew it. I never got any love letters or pink ribbons._

-or, she was his girlfriend. And wearing a jumper she thought was his. So James could see that Lily was his girlfriend.

_Ah. Oh no. _

"Lily, take the jumper off. Now."

_No – dammit – I didn't mean it like that…_

"In case you haven't noticed, we're not in a broom cupboard, Remus", Lily said in a stage whisper, grinning mercilessly. "And, as flattered as I am that you want me to take my top off, don't you think that's a bit forward? I mean, I don't know what Sirius has taught you about girls, but—"

"I'm serious. Take it off."

"Why can't I wear your jumper?" she asked with a dangerously cute pout. "You did give it to me last night."

_Why can't I w – no – oh – I've forgotten what I was saying now. Great. _

"What?" Remus managed.

_Please don't give me another one of those looks. _

"I like wearing your jumper. It's nice and warm and comfortable." Lily ran a sleeve between her thumb and finger. "Is this boyfriend material?"

_Boyfriend material. _

He winced. Mostly because the joke was terrible. But also because James was about to kill him.

_James!_

"That's James' old jumper", he said, his brain clicking back into gear.

"Oh. So it isn't boyfriend material?" Lily asked.

_It is for most girls._

"You tell me."

"It is a very nice jumper", she said, smiling as his face fell. "But I already have a jumper I like a lot. And you know what they say about girls who constantly change their jumpers", she added,

_I'm sure the Fat Lady does. _

Lily took the jumper off and gave it to him. He took it over to James, wondering if he looked as scared as he felt.

"Alright Moony?"

_Great thanks. Just returning some of your clothes that my girlfriend seems to have stolen. Nothing for you to worry about, Jamesy. What? That bit about my girlfriend? That bit about taking the girl you're also in love with? Girlfriend? I meant chocolate frog. I won't take any more of your chocolate frogs. That's what I meant to say. Even if they are delicious and sometimes I can't help myself – I mean, I don't exactly get a lot of chocolate frogs, and you can have as many as you like – and is it really that surprising we both want the same chocolate frog? It is a really nice chocolate frog._

"Yeah – sorry, Prongs", he managed, offering the jumper back to its rightful owner. "I wore it on patrol last night and Lily got cold, so I thought I'd better give it to her. Must have forgotten to ask for it back."

"I don't mind at all", James said, grinning as he put the jumper back on. "Besides, its smells much nicer now than it did yesterday." He chuckled as Remus looked at him in despair.

"You might not know this, but there are girls in the world who aren't called Lily Evans." Remus sounded wistful.

_Think of all the other chocolate frogs you could have, Prongs._

"Not for me, there aren't, Moony. There's just my Lily-flower." James waved across the Common Room at Lily. "If you keep taking my clothes, Evans, maybe I can take some of yours off? It only seems fair", he called out.

Lily rolled her eyes and shook her head demonstrably. Remus suppressed the urge to thump James and went back to his homework, feeling relieved he'd managed to escape suspicion.

Unfortunately a guilty conscience couldn't be so easily avoided.

Hello, Remus. It's me. Your Remus-conscience. 

_I know it's you, you sly wolf._

**What's this got to do with me?**

_I know you're trying to trick me by pretending to be my conscience. _

**No I'm not. **

_So if my conscience starts telling me to eat people, I should obey it?_

**Yes. You should always do exactly what your conscience tells you.**

_Oh. Ok._

**Besides, you're already in trouble with James for kissing Lily, so you can't get in any more trouble if you let me eat her. **

_I don't think that's strictly true._

**Well, I'm not the one lying to James, and lying with Lily by fireplaces. So don't paint me out as the bad guy here.**

_I didn't lie to him - everything I said was true. I just left out the bits where I spent an hour with her in the Room of Requirement. And the bits where I kissed her._

Remus tried not to think about how this counted as double treachery; treachery because the Marauders had all promised not to tell anyone else about the Room of Requirement, and treachery because kissing Lily Evans was strictly prohibited under the treaty of James Potter.

Double treachery nudged him. "What did James say?"

"We're safe", he said.

"Oh. I guess you'll have to finish undressing me later, then", she mused quietly.

His quill jumped a good three lines down his translation and splintered, leaving a thick, black streak on the page. He could feel ink seeping out between his fingers.

_Think about Norse verb tables. Think about Norse verb tables. _

It was no use. He looked up and immediately knew he was done for. Because now Lily had taken James' jumper off, she was left wearing a rather snug t-shirt.

Her eyes followed his.

"I think this means we've finished translating Runes for the night", she said brightly.

Remus dropped his head into his hands and groaned.


	7. Night 4: Werewolves Can Be Maidens Too

Night 4: Werewolves Can Be Maidens Too

* * *

"Right", Lily said, a little too brightly. "We're here."

Prefect Patrol had begun with Lily dragging Remus off to some far-flung corner of the castle, subduing his questions with promising explanations that included _third date_ and _wanting to say thank you for that nice Patronus you cast for me_. He was starting to think he might not have to wait long for his nightly Lily-treat.

_Scrumptious. _

Lily had brought him to the statue of Boris the Bewildered on the fifth floor. And of all the statues in all the corridors on all the floors of the castle, Remus had a pretty good idea why she'd chosen this one.

It was the statue that led to the Prefect's Bathroom.

And Remus knew there was only one reason two people came to the Prefect's Bathroom together. To perform certain acts.

_Not that I would ever think of such unsavoury things. _

Certain acts that comprised a good deal of his Lily-thoughts.

_I think no such things. A good werewolf always pictures his friends fully clothed. _

_Or mostly clothed. _

_Or partially clothed._

_Or every day in her underwear. _

_And sometimes out of it._

_Please forgive me, Merlin. I've been a very bad wolf. _

Lily, who was, regrettably, somewhat more appropriately dressed than imagination-Lily, stepped towards the statue and tapped it with her wand.

"Squeaky clean."

The statue slid back and she pulled Remus into the Prefect's Bathroom, pausing to admire the room's decadent interior: there were black marble floors, stained glass windows set into the walls, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling; and in the centre of the room, sunk into the floor, was a bath larger than any she'd had ever seen, and probably larger than most swimming pools, too, furnished with rows of glistening silver taps. Beside it there was a white mountain of towels, softer than a dream.

None of this was noticed by Remus, who was entirely too busy thinking about how he was now standing inside the Prefect's Bathroom with Lily Evans.

_Right. So we'll just have to take turns swimming…_

"Remus?"

"Yes", he managed.

"Are you alright? You've not exactly said much lately."

"I'm fine", he said, sounding dangerously close to cardiac arrest.

_Just dandy._

Lily was still scrutinising him, so he removed his shoes and went to sit by the edge of the pool, dipping his toes in the warm, sweet-smelling water and doing his best to look relaxed. Even though he knew the only thing beating harder than his heart was the beating Sirius would give him when he made it back to the dormitory.

_What was I supposed to do? She brought me here. It's rude to turn down an invitation, isn't it? James is bound to understand. I think. I hope. _

"I – er – didn't bring anything to swim in", he said.

"Me neither", Lily said airily, wandering over to play with the taps.

_Oh. Oho._

Remus had one very good thought. Then he had one very bad thought.

The good thought was Lily swimming. The bad thought was him swimming.

_Shirtless. Scars._

Now, werewolf-Remus had a rather fine set of claws. And he didn't appreciate being locked in the Shrieking Shack with a dog, a stag and a rat who never let him out to hunt and devour tasty humans to his heart's content. So he took his anger out on himself; biting, scratching and snapping, and leaving Remus with several new scars every full moon. And as Remus had quickly found out, no healing spell could hide a mark left by a dark creature. And there was no way he could explain several dozen scars, scratches and bite marks to Lily.

_Ok. So I'll just tell her I'm a bloodthirsty werewolf who has his own Dark Creature file at the Ministry of Magic and I could be carted off to Azkaban at any moment. Not a big deal._

Except he was pretty sure Lily would think it was a big deal. And then she'd shout at him for a bit, cry for a bit longer, and tell him werewolves didn't deserve to be loved.

_Hmm._

A pair of white, slender calves appeared in the water next to Remus. Seeing he was struggling with something, Lily slipped her arms around his neck and gave him her silent support.

"Sorry", he muttered, trying a smile that slipped straight off. "Thanks for this. Great idea. I never would have been brave enough to take you here."

"Can you be brave for me?"

_In a minute you'll wish you never asked that._

A small, cowardly part of Remus knew that leaving Lily there and then would probably have been easier for both of them. But she deserved the truth, even if she didn't deserve him.

"Are we going too fast?" she asked.

"I thought I was supposed to ask you that", he said, almost smiling. "Look - when I tell you this - don't feel you have to stay, or make excuses for me, or anything like that. Ok?"

Lily gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'm not going anywhere."

_Not yet._

He looked long and hard into those soft green eyes. It hurt to think he was about to fill them with tears.

"Remember the Boggart in our second-year Defence class? And how mine was a werewolf?"

Lily nodded at the memory.

"Well when I was eight—"

He faltered, and took a deep breath.

_Merlin, give me strength._

"I – was – I was bitten by a werewolf."

Lily was instantly sympathetic. "Oh. Remus – that must have been horrible—"

"No, Lily, _listen_." He pushed her brusquely away from him, each word laced with desperation, knowing he had to force himself to come clean there and then, or he'd never be able to utter the truth aloud. "I was bitten by a werewolf. On the night of the full moon. I'm a werewolf."

_I really, really wish I wasn't. And I'm pretty sure you're going to feel the same way._

His eyes never left hers; that first, split-second of confusion before something in his face told her he wasn't joking and understanding dawned. Her hand gripped his, painfully tight, eyes widened – from fear or surprise he didn't know, but he took it to be the first, the one he'd expected, prepared for. "You don't have to make excuses or apologise. I get it. Really, I do."

"You're a werewolf?"

Remus nodded. Lily eased her hand from his. It was all he needed to know – to know she that didn't want him, now she knew what kind of a creature he was. He snatched his shoes up and headed for the door; he made it halfway open before a body slammed into it, sealing it shut.

"Where are you going?" Lily asked breathlessly.

"Common Room."

"Stay with me, Remus – please."

"How – how can I?" he replied, his voice hoarse, a sad smile on his face at the inevitability of it all. Because, if he was being truly honest with himself, he knew this had been coming – even before Lily had kissed him – he'd known, somehow, that one day he'd end up telling her; and from to time, he'd even let himself pretend that she might accept him. But he wouldn't get angry now, or blame her. He'd stay calm. Reacting – demanding something from her – that wasn't fair to Lily. He couldn't expect her to stay; couldn't ask her to look at him with anything other than revulsion from now on. And that was okay, he told himself. It was what he'd been preparing himself for.

_If I walk out that door and never get to hold you again, well, at least I've tried. And I won't have to wonder anymore._

"Because I don't care", she whispered, her voice cracking as she saw how heartbroken Remus was, and began to realise what it must have cost him to stay the truth out loud. "I don't care you're a werewolf. I don't care what you are. Just so long as you're mine."

A pair of thin arms encircled his chest. Lily held him tight, as if he could disappear at any moment and only her grip stopped him slipping from her grasp.

"You should."

His hand went for the doorknob again. Lily caught his wrist.

"Why?"

In that moment there was real, honest confusion in her eyes and he loved her for it.

"Because I'm an animal. I'm a beast, Lily."

"Have you ever hurt anyone?"

"Not yet, but I could."

"Well, if you leave right now, you'll hurt me", she said, sounding close to tears.

"I'll hurt you either way."

"How does staying hurt me?" she whispered.

"Lily—"

"Don't", she pleaded. "You're going to say something about how you don't deserve to be loved, or that this is for my own good, or that I'll be happier with someone else. I _won't_ be, Remus. It's a lie and you know it."

_It's not a lie if I believe it._

"Hogwarts isn't the real world, Lily", he said. "Out there, people don't take too kindly to dark creatures. Or people who associate with them."

She said nothing. A downwards tug on his hand told him to sit, and he slid down the door, sitting and holding Lily close to him.

_She's not frightened of me. _

This realisation gave him pause for thought.

"There's something else you should see", he said after a minute, turning to give Lily a sideways profile of his face and neck, bringing her fingers to a faded, white scar that peeked out above the collar of his shirt.

"I asked about that once", she said. "You said it was a tilling accident on a farm."

_A tilling accident with claws and teeth._

Remus unbuttoned the top of his shirt. Showing her was easier than saying it aloud.

_There was more than one tilling accident, too._

The whole scar became visible, and several others that adorned his chest. Lily gasped, and her fingers loosened the rest of his shirt, oblivious in her curiosity to the intimacy of her actions as she gazed at the scars that only his mother, Madam Pomfrey and the Marauders had ever seen.

"Remus?"

It took a lot to look at her.

"Who – who did this to you?" she asked, her voice thick with emotion.

"I did. If it isn't allowed to hunt at the full moon, the wolf gets frustrated, and it takes it out on me."

**I've told you before, if you let me eat someone every now and then, I wouldn't end up using you as a human chew toy.**

_Next full moon I'm spellotaping oven mitts to my hands before I transform. So chew on that._

Turning away in embarrassment, Remus reached for his shirt, but Lily stopped him.

"Don't."

He took her hand into his, and, slowly – as if it took a great effort to raise that small, delicately-formed hand in his own– lifted it and placed it on his shoulder, running it over the raised, crimson skin of his oldest scar.

"Is this the bite?"

_Fenrir._

"Yes."

"Can I see it?"

Remus sat still as Lily shuffled behind him, and had to close his eyes at the sensation of her fingers, wandering and wondering, passing over the scars and contours of his shoulder blade.

She paused. "You don't think you deserve me, do you?"

He nodded.

"You do – more than anyone."

"Most people wouldn't see it like that."

Lily thought for a moment. "Is this why you said you couldn't tell James?"

"Yeah."

"Why would it matter to him?"

"James could hardly stop himself going after Hamish. He's not going to tolerate you being with a werewolf."

Sadness filled Lily's eyes. "You thought I'd be same, didn't you?"

Remus kept quiet, but his expression betrayed him.

"You expected me to be some kind of bigot", she said, bitterly. "That's why you went straight for the door once you'd told me. You thought I wouldn't want anything to do with you anymore."

"Well, you wouldn't be the first."

His words were a little sharp, and Lily's anger subsided; what was left was only the dismay that he could doubt her.

"There's always a reason, isn't there?" she said helplessly, tears shining in her eyes. "It's either Hamish, or James, or because you're a werewolf; there's always some reason why I can't care about you the way you care about me."

Lily made a noise somewhere between a sniffle and a chuckle.

Remus felt a familiar lump of guilt in his stomach form. "I didn't mean it like that."

_I didn't mean it like that at all._

"Prove it", she said, sounding in-between wanting to be comforted and wanting to hex Remus into next week.

_Cuddles or curses. _

About-to-be-hexed-or-hugged-Remus had a think about his options.

_Not a tough decision._

He drew Lily into his arms, and after a moment's initial hesitance, she allowed herself to be held and shivered as he nipped lightly at her neck, his lips grazing her skin and travelling downwards, dipping beneath the collar of her blouse, to the white, delicate curve of her collarbone. Lily let out a whimper and ducked her head in embarrassment, realising too late the movement brought her dangerously close to Remus' lips…

_Ah. I knew I wasn't the only hungry one tonight._

She pulled away and gave him a wry look. "I'm not very good at being cross with you."

He chuckled. "That's probably a good thing."

Lily traced the outline of a scar, pale with age, on his chest, as if a touch could remove it. Not for her sake, but for his.

_Love can only heal so much. I wish it could too. _

Remus' insecurities got the better of him for a moment. "You honestly don't mind?"

"Not a bit", Lily promised. "And you know, since we're sharing secrets, I should probably admit I've been keeping something from you too." She nudged him playfully.

"You have?"

"I have. You see, I'm actually wearing James Potter's t-shirt."

_You are?_

Remus remembered what happened to James' jumper.

_Come on now Moony… remember to breathe… one hippogriff... two hippogriff… three hippogriff… four…_

He closed his eyes and tried very hard to focus. After all, James' t-shirt was at stake.

"What should we do with it?" Lily asked, tempting him with a smile.

_We could – you know – but only if you want to– _

"We could take it off?" he offered.

"We could", she replied. A pair of nervous green eyes looked into his. "Although I don't think you should give it back to James this time."

Remus wondered what the outcome of that would be. Lily would probably make a very pretty widow. "Me neither."

Lily's fingers teased the hem of her blouse and she hesitated.

Remus began backtracking immediately. "Or, you know, if you don't want to, we could just talk—"

She gave him a look that told him to be quiet.

_Right. Sorry._

Lily took a deep breath, willing herself to be brave. "Can you?"

She gestured and he nodded.

_No peeking, I promise._

Remus turned to face the wall. A long minute passed, and then there was the sound of bare feet on the bathroom floor behind him.

"You can turn around now", Lily breathed, the words warm on his neck, and there was an _ache_ in her voice he'd never heard before; she sounded wary and hopeful at the same time.

He turned slowly, hardly daring to believe what was happening.

Lily Evans was standing right in front of him.

And she was wearing absolutely nothing but her blushes.

_I – wow._

But something was wrong. This wasn't the Lily he knew – the confident, self-assured girl who could tease him with a touch or a whisper; the Lily who knew the effect she had on him, and loved it. This Lily just looked fixedly at the floor, and he could tell she was starting to listen to her doubts, starting to believe that maybe he didn't like what he saw, that maybe he didn't want her now he'd seen her, and the thought of rejection, there and then, was almost too awful to contemplate, but she was considering it, preparing herself for the inevitable—

"Lily?"

She glanced up, and his expression removed every doubt instantly.

_Of course. Merlin - haven't you seen yourself? You're beautiful. Perfect._

"It turns out everything belonged to James", she said, beaming at him, and it was like a switch had been flipped; the Lily he knew was back, catching him by the hand, delighted. "Except me. You can have me instead."

Remus thought he would very much like to have Lily.

_Is this what werewolf-Remus feels when he spies his supper on the night of the full moon?_

**It most certainly is not. Some of us can just want to ravish a person without all this mushy emotional baggage. And I don't see what makes this particular girl so much tastier than all the rest. I'd like to eat her just as much as the others. And if removing her blouse is enough to send you into raptures, I dread to think what you'll going to be like when she actually lets you sleep with h—**

_Shush, you._

Remus tuned out werewolf-Remus. There were more pleasurable things to be doing. Things like looking at Lily. Because she looked better than anything in his guiltiest daydream.

And God, he wanted her. All of her.

He wanted every bare, beautiful inch of the girl standing in front of him. He wanted her rosy cheeks and lips. He wanted the breathing white of her neck. He wanted freckled shoulders. He wanted delicate ankles and delectable calves. He wanted the palest parts of her: her toned, slender thighs, the soft, slight rise of her—

"Hasn't anyone ever told you it's rude to stare, Lupin?" Lily asked, drawing a hand across her chest in a moment of fetching shyness.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have the loveliest… eyes?" he replied, glancing up just in time to find her scowling at him.

_Sorry. _

"Don't play cute with me, Remus", she ordered, placing her hands on her hips and immediately regretting it as a wide smile broke out across his face. "Behave."

"I always do", he said, offering her his hand, but she hesitated, a flicker of apprehension in her eyes, and the hand was withdrawn. "You ok?"

_I can stop looking if you like._

Lily let out a long, shaky breath. "Yeah. It's nothing. It's – I'm fine."

"It's not nothing if it's got you worried like this."

"It _is_ nothing", she maintained, looking like she wanted to scold him for his consideration.

Remus raised an eyebrow and she caved. "Fine. Right. Um. Well. So, the thing is, I was with Hamish for a few months. And you've probably assumed that we—"

_Oh. __**Oh.**_

"I haven't assumed anything", he said, and silenced himself as Lily shot him a look that said any more interruptions would result in him not getting any.

"Anyway, you've probably assumed that we, you know. _You know_. But we haven't. And all those times James asked, I only said we had to get a rise out of him." Lily bit her lip. "So what I'm trying to say is that I'm still a – um–"

There was an awkward pause.

"A maiden?" Remus offered, trying to save Lily from her blushes.

"Yes", she said immediately, grateful for his tact. "I'm a maiden."

There was another pause, even more awkward than the first.

"Is that a problem? I know most boys like a girl with – um – experience…" Lily looked like she wanted the ground to open and swallow her up.

_What in heaven's name are you talking about?_

"Lily", he said gently, waiting until she looked up at him. "Have you been reading Witch Weekly again?"

She nodded, too embarrassed to speak.

"I don't think that's a good idea", he said gently.

"Oh. Really?" she sounded hopeful.

"Really", he said, assuring her with a smile. "And it might not be touched upon in all the folklore and myths, but werewolves can be maidens too."

"Glad to hear it", shesaid, gazing up at him, wanting to know he'd be gentle for her sake.

_I'll be more lamb than wolf if you want, Lily. I'll be whatever you need me to be. I promise. _

Remus waited as those green eyes held him in careful regard. And when they were ready again, he shuffled forwards slowly. His hands went very carefully to her waist. She nodded in encouragement.

_Bare skin. That's – that's something._

He took Lily into his arms and kissed her, once, twice, very tenderly, until he felt her relax and lean into him, making little noises of approval as she did so. And then something shifted between them; every touch, every breath, every groan became charged with a new urgency Remus would have understood if he could, but he couldn't think; at that moment he couldn't have formed a single, coherent thought if his life depended on it. He could only give into the sweet, sweet surrender of Lily, and the warm, liquid bliss of her body, pressed tight to his.

They broke apart, and Remus very nearly lost the little self-control he was still holding on to when he saw the dazed, unhinged _need _in her eyes, even though he could still see the fear behind them, the rational behind the primal, the trepidation the came with the idea of giving herself to him, completely, and he knew she'd imagined it, just like he had, but nothing could prepare him for this, her fingers electric on his skin, her heartbeat pressed to his, the shared craving to fill every space that existed between them. He'd never wanted to kiss her more; but he wanted to skip kissing altogether, and Lily could see it in his eyes, and the doubt was back, but she stood her ground this time, breathing hard, gazing up at him, her eyes burning with something between anticipation and anxiety.

_Well, I never kissed a girl until three days ago. So imagine how nervous I am._

He looked into those lovely green eyes. He tried to show them all the things he couldn't say. He could see his own love reflected in them. He kept looking. And after a moment, there was trust reflected in them too.

Lily took him by the hand and led him into the water.


	8. Day 4: The Doghouse

Day 4: The Doghouse

* * *

Remus had gone to bed rather late the night before.

Upon returning to the dormitory, he was promptly bundled into a bathroom – not for the first time that night – and met by a particularly irate Sirius, who had given him an ultimatum of one more day. Well, not to begin with anyway. There had been a lot more punching and accusations of betrayal first. Only when he threatened to tell Lucy Albright and Claire Taylor that Sirius was currently dating both of them did Sirius relent and allow him an extra day to suffer with his conscience.

_"Know what this is, Moony?"_

_"It's – um – the Marauders' Map, Sirius."_

_"Know what it does, Moony?"_

_"Yes."_

_"What does it do, Moony?"_

_"It shows you where people are in the castle."_

_"Do you know what it showed me tonight?"_

_"Er – did it show you to respect people's privacy?" _

_"No it didn't. The Map actually showed me that Remus Lupin and Lily Evans were together in the Prefect's Bathroom."_

_"You don't even know what the Prefect's Bathroom is, Sirius. For all you know, it could be a bathroom disguised as a Quidditch Pitch."_

_"Nice try Moony, but I know what the Prefect's Bathroom is like. I've been there."_

_"When have you been to the Prefect's Bathroom?"_

_"Victoria Tofts." _

_"Who?"_

_"That Ravenclaw prefect I saw for a few weeks last summer term, remember? I convinced her to take me there once. I know the sort of thing that goes on in the Prefect's Bathroom."_

_"What sort of thing?"_

_"You know exactly what sort of thing, Moony."_

_"I think you're giving me far too much credit, Padfoot."_

_"You think I'm going to believe you took Lily to the Prefect's Bathroom, of all places, with the sole intention of breaking up with her?"_

_"Well, maybe I thought she could use the fluffy towels to dry her tears. Don't you believe me?"_

_"No."_

_"Oh."_

_"What really happened?"_

_"We sat in a corner and played Exploding Snap."_

_"Really."_

_"Well, if you really want to know, things went rather swimmingly – OW!"_

_"This isn't a joke, Moony."_

_"Stop hitting me!"_

_"I'll stop hitting you when you've told James."_

_"I've told you, nothing happened!"_

_"Good. You can tell that to James then."_

And although waving at Lucy Albright at breakfast had bought him Sirius' silence for another day, Remus was still trying to work out how to explain things to James, while the girl with who things were going swimmingly was sat at the front of the Defence class he was currently in, and kept turning around to smile at him, which disrupted his thought process like nothing else.

And this was when he was supposed to be focusing on casting a Patronus.

_Come on now, Moony. _

_Step one: isolate a good memory._

_Easily done._

_Step two: recall the sensations of the memory and your emotions at the time._

_But not too much, because otherwise you'll need a cold shower._

_Step three: project the emotion into the spell._

Remus took a deep breath and steadied himself.

"Expecto Patronum!"

A surge of magic and euphoria travelled down his arm and Remus felt it intensify as it reached his wand, releasing a swirling cloud of silver around him. The cloud hung in the air for a few moments before it condensed and materialised into the shape of a great, glowing wolf, which announced its presence in the classroom with a howl.

_Well, that's hardly subtle._

Remus looked across the room at Lily and was rewarded with a blush.

_Miss Evans, what are you thinking about? I hope it's nothing improper. _

Lily blushed harder as the rest of the class turned to admire his Patronus, and mouthed for him to stop looking at her. And to stop grinning and thinking about her undressing. Or undressing her.

_Right. Sorry._

"We have our first success – well done, Mr Lupin – twenty points to Gryffindor!" Proctor called out, delighted.

Remus, equally delighted, was admiring his new creation, and his wolf Patronus looked just as excited as it bounded over to its maker, the source of love that fed it – and gave Lily a long, silvery lick on the cheek.

_Unfortunately for you, Patronus-mine, Lily already has a wolf. And she's rather fond of him. So stop slobbering on her. Now. _

"Usually the Patronus guards its owner." Proctor explained, looking with some puzzlement between Remus and Lily. "But if that person feels a particular strong desire to protect another, or cares for them on a subconscious level, it will protect them instead."

Now most of the class were looking with interest between Remus and Lily.

_Help! Wait, werewolf-me, you can talk to wolves can't you?_

**Yes.**

_Can you get my Patronus back?_

**No.**

_Please?_

**What's in it for me?**

_You can eat all the people you want next full moon, I promise._

**You know, I'm in your head with you. So I can always tell when you're lying.**

_Urgh – fine. But if you don't get that Patronus back over here right now, James will see the game is afoot. And there won't be any more full moons for you when I'm dead._

**That's... actually a good point. Awoo!**

A howl echoed in Remus' head. His Patronus pricked its ears up at the sound and looked sufficiently cowed as it loped back towards him.

_Better. Now I just need to explain why my Patronus mistook me for a pretty redhead. And why it has nothing to do with the fact I might have to count Lily's freckles again. All of them._

Remus braved a look at James.

James was gazing with an expression of intense, almost brotherly pride at Remus' wolf. The wolf that symbolised every full moon night he'd spent keeping Remus company in the Shrieking Shack. Those nights when a bond had formed between all the Marauders; a secret the four of them, and they only, shared.

_It's five now._

This was James: James, who had been the first to accept him in second year when he'd revealed his lycanthropy; who had worked so hard to become an Animagus so he wouldn't have to suffer through full moons alone; who had saved Severus and saved him from Azkaban. James, who would do anything for him, already had. And how did he repay him? By sneaking off behind his back every night and playing sweet blissful games with Lily.

A hot, piercing throb of shame went through Remus. His Patronus melted into smoke and vanished.

* * *

"Moony?"

_Padfoot? _

Remus was sitting at a table in the Transfiguration section of the library, trying to get something productive done in the free period he had after lunch. He hadn't counted on Sirius doing the same.

"Moony?"

_Whatever happened to silence in the library?_

"Dammit – Moony!"

Madam Pince appeared from behind a bookshelf, scowling. Sirius resorted to more silent methods of persuasion. Methods that primarily consisted of kicking Remus under the table.

"What is it, Padfoot?" Remus sighed, rubbing his bruised shin and resigning himself to what was bound to be another uncomfortable conversation.

"Have you told James?"

"Told James what?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "The price of dungbombs has dropped thirty percent since a fresh batch of Snivellus' underwear was recovered from the Slytherin dungeons – about his favourite flower, you dolt."

_The humble daffodil? _

"Not – exactly?"

"You're killing me here, Moony", Sirius said, pulling a particularly large and dusty textbook out of his book bag. "Look at this."

"Why are you carrying that about? I've never seen you even open a textbook."

"God knows", Sirius groaned. "They're so bloody big and heavy, I don't know how anyone can lug one around all day. It's killing my shoulder."

"Then why—?"

Sirius suddenly didn't look very friendly. "It's to hit you with if you don't start confessing to James very soon."

Remus winced.

_Of course it is. I should have known nothing good could ever come from Sirius finding a textbook._

He wondered if he was brave enough to stand up to a textbook-wielding Sirius. Considering he could only just manage to deduct house points from anyone older than a first-year without stammering, it was unlikely.

* * *

Remus was trying to leave Potions.

So far, he'd been doing pretty well. He'd made it out of the Dungeons and was halfway down a corridor that would lead him back to Gryffindor Tower.

His Potions-Parting-Plan had, however, been scuppered by the hand on his tie.

The hand on his tie kept trying to drag him back towards the Dungeons. And the more he resisted, the harder it tried to drag him back.

"Um – Lily, what's going on?" he said, upon seeing the hand on his tie belonged to his favourite freckled witch.

She pulled him into an alcove beside the corridor and waited for the rest of their Potions class to filter past. "In a minute", she whispered, pressing herself against him to hide both of them and peering round the corner. "We just need to—"

_Need to what?_

Several thoughts entered Remus' mind. Not all of them were entirely innocent.

_A boy can dream…_

But his dreams were scuppered as Lily pulled him back towards the Potions classroom, only to find Snape lurking in the doorway, watching them closely.

Remus tried to remember if he'd ever had any dreams about Severus. It was unlikely.

_Nightmares, maybe. _

"Um – hi Sev", Lily said, a little uneasily. "What are you doing here?"

_Sev._

"Lily", he said calmly, leaning against the doorframe and making it very clear he wasn't going to be moving anytime soon. "Lupin."

_Sev. Fucking Sev._

Remus scowled at Snape, inordinately jealous of the nickname Lily had for him. "Severus."

_Look at that. A full three syllables._

Snape smiled widely. "Shouldn't you be _wolfing _down supper with Potter and Black about now, Lupin?"

_Ha fucking ha. I bet you've been saving that one for months, Snapey. _

Lily's expression was one of confusion and fear. "Remus, does he—?"

_Does Snape know?_

He winced.

_Well Lily, last summer Sirius told Snape where to look if he wanted to know where I went every full moon. So one night Snape came along to the Whomping Willow, and werewolf-me nearly removed his throat from the rest of his body. So now Snape knows I'm a werewolf and isn't overly pleased about it. _

Of course, say all this out loud would be uncomfortable for everyone involved. Remus decided kissing was easier than explaining and leant into Lily.

_I hope you're watching, Sevvy. _

He made the kiss last longer than was decent. But Lily didn't seem to mind. In fact, after her initial surprise, she seemed rather reluctant to stop at all.

_Stop tempting me, you. I'm trying to prove a point here._

Snape could hardly have looked more surprised if Remus had kissed him. As it was, he just looked utterly horrified.

"Run along, Sevvy", Remus said brightly.

And Sevvy did exactly that, stalking out of the dungeons with a look on his face that was positively murderous.

_Slytherin, slytherout._

"Now that's taken care of", he said, turning back to Lily with a smile, "are you going to tell me why I'm here?"

_Our favourite broom cupboard isn't big enough? _

"Yes", Lily breathed, still slightly dazed.

_Yes! _

"Alice and the girls need me to steal a potion or two for them", she said, narrowing her eyes as Remus' face fell. "Why, what did you think we were doing?"

_Oh. Whatever. _

"Nothing", he said.

"Nothing is exactly right. Not _every _empty classroom is an opportunity to feel me up", she said sternly, and Remus' hand, which had been making a late bid to slip unnoticed beneath Lily's school blouse, was hastily withdrawn.

_Sorry. Bad case of The Wandering Hands. It's an – um – obscure medical condition where the afflicted person's hands tend to wander and end up in places they shouldn't be. And sometimes they undress pretty witches, too._

Lily raised an eyebrow, as if daring to suggest The Wandering Hands wasn't an internationally recognised, scientifically certified medical condition, and was in fact something Remus had just made up so he could grope her.

_Would your loving boyfriend ever lie to you?_

Lily's expression said he most definitely would.

_Oh. Well don't blame me then. It was Madam Pomfrey's diagnosis. And she also said The Wandering Hands are especially attracted to clothes, so if you could just remove yours, they wouldn't have to wander to wonder what's under your school uniform anymore…_

"Do you know happens to good wolves who misbehave, Remus?"

Lily sounded like she was about to take house points from a particularly troublesome first-year.

He shook his head.

"They get put in the doghouse."

_But – but there's no one to cuddle with in the doghouse._

"And what do wolves in the doghouse not get to do?" she continued.

"You?"

"That's right", Lily said, "They don't get to touch— _excuse me_?"

_Oops. _

Lily went from playful to furious quicker than Remus could say _Nearly Headless Nick. _Or in his case, _Nearly Bedless_.

"Wrong answer?" he tried, wincing as he raised an arm to shield himself from a barrage of punches.

"Just because I put out for you once, Remus, doesn't mean I have to do it again", Lily hissed. "Ever. Understood?"

The wolf in the doghouse nodded obediently and tried his best to look apologetic.

"Classroom. Now." Lily ordered.

Remus skulked through the door.

_Great. Detention in the Dungeons._

* * *

"Perfect, these are just the two we need", Alice said, as Lily handed over the two vials her and a very diligent Remus had collected from Slughorn's classroom. "What's up with Remus?" she asked.

Remus was feeling rather sorry for himself as he stood behind Lily and meekly inspected his shoelaces, not daring to look up and make eye contact. He didn't want to summon angry-Lily again.

"_Remus_", she said, as though his name was a particularly foul hex, "seems to be under the impression I am now his mistress. And my sole purpose in life is to cater to his pleasure. And I no longer need to be courted, or wooed, or put in the mood, because he's _obviously _so irresistible I couldn't possibly refuse his advances—"

"I wasn't making any advances!" he protested, and cringed as Alice surveyed him with her best bad-boyfriend stare. He suddenly knew exactly what it felt like to be Frank Longbottom.

_Right. Sorry. I'll be a perfect gentlewolf from now on. Promise._


	9. Night 5: Firewhiskey and Flowers

Night 5: Firewhiskey and Flowers

* * *

"—I think it's _Batimus Fatimus_—"

"—don't be an idiot, Wormtail, that's definitely not it—"

"—we could try it out on him, just to see what happens—"

"—what if he gets stuck with like, one wing, or something?"

"—would anyone notice?"

"—McGonagall might, and I don't fancy another month's detention—"

James, Sirius and Peter were discussing something on the other side of the dormitory. Remus put down the Charms textbook he'd long since stopped reading and wandered over. "What on earth are you three talking about now?"

"Some seventh year Ravenclaw told Peter there was a spell to turn a person into an oversized bat", James explained, "which would, of course, be perfect to use on Snivellus, but he's forgotten what the spell is."

"Have you tried looking it up? There are such things as Spell Encyclopaedias, you know, in the library—"

There were three groans.

"We told you, no library talk after lessons, Moony", James sighed, tossing a half-eaten chocolate frog at Remus, who caught it and munched on it in apology—

_Right. Sorry._

—and had just enough time to finish it before Sirius sprang to his feet and pulled him across the dormitory, safely out of earshot.

"You and James are still on speaking terms." It wasn't a question. "And chocolate frog sharing terms."

_There will be no chocolate frog sharing! _

"So I'm assuming you haven't told him yet."

Remus kept munching and tried to think of a new way to protest his innocence.

"Moony, I can tell you're not eating anything anymore."

He froze mid-munch.

"You're telling him now."

"Can I have a minute?"

"No."

"Please?"

_Pretty please?_

Sirius reached for his wand.

"Alright, alright, I'll tell him", Remus said, raising his hands in a gesture of supplication. "But I'll need some advice on what to say. You're good at this sort of thing – you know, breaking the news, girls, betrayal, deceit, all that."

"Just be completely straight with him."

"You sure?"

"Coming from a master of deception and guile, I think you'll be alright", Sirius said, grinning. "Prefect Patrols are boring so you kissed her a few times. No permanent damage."

_They may have been a bit more than kissing last night. A lot more than a bit more._

He cringed as Sirius rounded on him, furious. "You told me you just kissed her, Remus."

_Not in those exact words…_

There was a knock on the dormitory door.

"Everyone's already here", Peter said, looking at the four Marauders and Frank, who was lying on his bed, having wisely decided against joining in on a conversation on the subtleties of Bat Transfiguration.

Remus hurried over to the door, eager to get away from the sharp end of Sirius' wand.

The girl who was never far from his thoughts was standing in his doorway.

This was not the first time Remus had connected the ideas of _Lily_ and _bedroom_. Or the second. But no one else needed to know that.

_Er – hi Lily?_

"Remus", she said eagerly.

"Hey, I'll be down in a minute, just gimme a sec—" he broke off as he noticed Alice and Olivia were standing behind her in the stairwell. "Wait, what's going on?"

"We're not going on patrol." Lily said, giving him a smile which portrayed the exact opposite of what he was feeling.

_No patrol? But I was looking forward to… you know… doing things… with you… together…_

Lily prodded him in the chest a few times and giggled at his perplexed expression. "Don't look so glum, Reemie."

_Reemie? _

This couldn't be good.

"Are you drunk, Lily?"

"Just tipsy – and don't worry, I'll make it up to you on patrol tomorrow night", she promised.

_Oh. I think I can live with that. _

Remus wondered if he was drunk too.

Lily, very bravely, let go of the wall she was leaning against and tried to make it through the door, but overbalanced and fell neatly into Remus' arms. Not that either of them seemed to mind all that much.

"I don't think we should flirt like this in front of James", she whispered, pressed tight to him.

"I don't think he can see us here. And who said anything about flirting?" he asked innocently.

"Well, I'm not naming any names, but someone seems to have their arms around me."

"You fell into my arms."

"Are you saying I've fallen for you?"

"Are your jokes this bad when you're sober?"

"Are you two trying to get caught?"

"Hi Alice!"

"Hi Remus. Is there a reason you and Lily are holding each other in the doorway?"

"Don't listen to her, Remus. She's just jealous we're a better couple than her and Frank."

"Er – Alice – how much did you give Lily to drink?"

"I don't know. Usually when she drinks she just sits at the foot of her bed and tells me how cute you are."

"I do not!"

"Do too!"

"Remus, who's at the door?" James called out.

"Um—" Remus stepped away from Lily back into the dormitory. "The girls?"

"The girls?—"

"—which girls?—"

"—girls? In our room?!"

"—dammit Peter, play it cool—"

Alice and Lily stuck their heads through the door and waved. Then they started bickering about the comparative cuteness of Remus and Frank, and Remus had to shush them and threaten to take house points from Alice for disagreeing with a prefect.

_Frank Longbottom? I mean, I know I'm no oil painting, but honestly. The boy still wears pyjamas with baby hippogriffs on them._

James invited the girls in. Lily, Alice and Olivia were followed by the other Gryffindor sixth year witches, two quiet girls called Emily and Mary.

"We thought we'd have a little get-together", Alice explained once everyone was in the room, producing the two vials Remus had seen Lily take from potions earlier and a bottle of Firewhiskey that was only two-thirds full.

He looked suspiciously at her.

_Ah. The mystery of the vanishing Firewhiskey._

Lily shook her head and protested her innocence with a smile that was meant to be winning, but ended up being a bit wobbly instead.

_-It wasn't me, Reemie. I'm much too pretty to drink. I promise._

_-Be that as it may, Miss Evans, I am required by the law of the sixth-year boys' dormitory to check you for any signs of intoxication._

_-However will you check to see if I've been drinking alcohol, Inspector Lupin?_

_-Your breath, Miss Evans._

_-My breath?_

_-When we were talking in the doorway, I noticed your breath was scented with some rather strong spirits._

_-That's some –hic— impressive detective work, Inspector Lupin. But you know, there is a way you can make absolutely sure I've been drinking._

_-And what would that be, Miss Evans?_

Lily tried on her best pout.

_-You could kiss me._

Remus gave her a look that said pouts were a good way to get him knocked out.

_-I think you may have forgotten that one James Potter is sitting next to us. _

_-But how else will you find out if I'm firewhiskey-flavoured, Reemie?_

_-I'll leave that to Professor McGonagall, Miss Evans. I'm sure she has her ways of determining if you are, ahem, firewhiskey-flavoured._

_-Please don't tell Professor McGonagall, Inspector. I'm as sorry as a niffler in Gringotts. It won't ever never happen again. Besides, you could always put me in detention yourself. I'm sure I could find a way of repaying you… _

_-Are you trying to corrupt me, Miss Evans?_

Lily let out a lovelorn sigh.

_-Not at all, Reemie. I was just thinking that you could tie me up in the Dungeons and have your wicked way with me, if you like— _

Remus snatched the firewhiskey from Frank and took a long swig, spluttering as the liquid burned its way down his throat. Hopefully it would kill a few brain cells off. Especially the ones responsible for thoughts like that.

Now, Alice Prewett's idea of a get together was to play Truth or Dare, using the two vials – which turned out to be Veritaserum and its antidote – to ensure there was no cheating. This quickly became Truth or Truth when everyone realised that being compelled to tell the truth was much more entertaining, and only slightly illegal.

Once everyone had drunk enough Firewhiskey to fortify their nerves, the game flowed pretty well; Alice and Frank came through their "who do you love?" questions with shining colours, everyone found out far too much about Peter and Chloe's relationship, and after several spins, the Firewhiskey bottle spun to land on Remus, and then Alice, who reached for the Veritaserum with a groan.

"So… Miss Prewett…" Remus drew each word out, and grinned as Alice's look of apprehension grew. "What do you think of the name Alice Longbottom?"

"I love it", she said simply, and clapped a hand to her mouth in horror as the group erupted in laughter, fixing Remus with the meanest glare she could muster.

He turned to Frank with a stage whisper. "I think she likes you, mate. I mean, you have to be pretty into a bloke to like the name Longbottom."

"My turn, Remus." Alice said, raising an eyebrow and handing him the Veritaserum with a smirk that promised revenge.

"How are you enjoying your Prefect Patrols at the moment?"

Remus froze as he felt the third drop of the potion onto his tongue, and an odd, tingling sensation run down his throat.

_Prefect Patrols are— well, there's lots of holding hands. And kissing Lily at night. And missing Lily in the day. And broom cupboards. And baths. _

He felt a sudden compulsion to speak.

_But I don't want to speak, because I might die if I do._

The Veritaserum made him speak anyway.

"They're fun. Really fun", Remus managed, settling on the vaguest truth he could think of. He glanced around the circle for the antidote, but before he could locate it another voice spoke up.

"So… Moony…" Sirius said, trying to sound as casual as possible as he glanced around the circle, a playful glint in his eye. "I'm sure all our Gryffindor girls are dying to know… who do you fancy?"

"I thought it was one question each?" Peter asked, confused, but Sirius ignored him and leant towards Remus, the antidote safely on his side of the circle. Remus tried not to panic.

_Come on Moony, Loopholes. Loopholes. Every question has one._

"I fancy Peter wants some more firewhiskey!" he cried, and handed the bottle across the circle to a chorus of cheers.

_In your face Padfoot! This wolf, is a sly wolf!_

Sirius, however, wasn't satisfied.

"What I meant, was—" he paused and watched Remus grow nervous. "Which girl in Hogwarts do you like the most?"

_Loopholes? No loopholes. Oh no. Oh no._

Everyone was watching him. Lily looked so pretty when she blushed.

_Lily._

"Il-iy", he managed, tasting copper as he bit down on his tongue.

"Who?" Sirius asked.

"Lily."

It slipped out before he could stop himself.

James roared with laughter and slapped Remus on the back. "A man of good taste, Moony!" he cried, swiping the firewhiskey from Peter with a cackle. Remus dove for the antidote by Alice's feet, but Sirius was quicker, his hand closing around the vial before he could reach it.

"Have you ever kissed Lily?"

_Stop it. You bastard. You utter bastard._

"What's going on, Sirius?" James asked, looking between his friends in confusion. He wasn't laughing anymore. "Of course Moony hasn't—"

"Yes."

And now no one was laughing. No one spoke.

"This is a joke, right?" James glanced between Remus and Lily, sure he was being tricked, but neither of them would look at him.

_Don't ask. Please don't ask._

"When? It must have been ages ago, right?"

_Wrong. _

Remus closed his eyes and felt a tingle of magic travel up his throat as the Veritaserum forced him to speak. "Today. After Potions. Today."

James was too stunned to speak. Sirius continued.

"Did you—"

"Leave him alone, Sirius!" Lily cried. "This isn't fair – give him the antidote!" She made a clumsy lunge for the vial, but Sirius held on it and turned to Remus.

_Please Padfoot. Please don't do this. I'll tell him everything. I'll come clean. Just not like this._

"Did you know how James felt about Lily when you kissed her?"

_No._

"Yes."

_No!_

And suddenly everyone was acting completely sober. In a moment of savage desperation, Remus wondered if he should bite through his tongue. Because he was pretty sure he was ending up in the Hospital Wing tonight.

"Oh my god", Olivia breathed. "This is huge!" she squealed.

Remus dropped his head into his hands and everything went dark.

"Shut up, Olivia." That sounded like Alice.

Alice's voice was replaced with a more familiar one.

"Please Sirius. You're hurting both of them."

Remus didn't know if both of them applied to him and Lily. Or him and James. Or James and Lily.

Lily continued, and her voice was soft with sorrow as she pleaded with Sirius to relent. "You don't know what you're doing to him, you don't know how much it hurts him, he was going to tell James, we both were, there just wasn't the right time to do it – and it doesn't concern you what I do and who I do it with—"

"You whore", Sirius breathed. Remus' head snapped up.

_You what? You fucking what._

"Take that back, Black", he hissed, as Lily bristled, and was about to retort.

But then she saw James.

James had the expression of a man whose idol had been shattered; he looked so heartbroken as he watched on, silently, trying to understand how his best friend could have gone behind his back with Lily, _his_ _Lily _– that her own eyes had filled with tears as she watched him, helpless.

Alice made an indignant noise and turned to Frank for support. Poor Frank was caught between his loyalty to his girlfriend and his roommate.

"Let's keep it civil, Sirius."

"I'm not going to keep it civil, Frank, not when Lily and Remus have been at it—"

"Quiet." James spoke, and everyone else stopped immediately. He turned to Remus.

_No. You don't want to ask that. _

"How far did it go?" he asked, paling at the thought that Remus might have—

If Remus had been thinking clearly, he might have been able to find a loophole in the question. But guilt offered him no such liberties, and he could only sit dumbly and wait for his tongue to betray him. Olivia squeaked in anticipation.

"Accio vial!"

The antidote burst from Sirius' grasp and sailed across the circle. Alice caught it and tossed it to Remus, who fumbled with the stopper for a second but managed to open it and take a swig. The compulsion to answer the question faded.

_I could kiss you, Alice Prewett._

Another second and he would have said as much. And much, much more.

Sirius scowled at Alice, his plan foiled. "You were in on this little fling, weren't you?" he asked, his gaze travelling between Remus and Lily, eventually settling on the redheaded witch, who was perfectly still and mute, trying to hide her tears from the rest of the group.

Alice looked positively murderous. "If you say one more bad word about her, Sirius, so help me Merlin, I'll make sure you never—"

James rose. Whatever Alice had been about to say, she kept to herself.

"I just – how?"

The question could have been aimed at Remus or Lily; it could have been aimed at Sirius; or Alice; James could have been asking himself. Either way, no-one answered, and James fell silent. He didn't need to ask another. The look Remus and Lily shared was enough.

Remus waited to be cursed, but no curse came as James stalked past him and fell onto his four-poster, closing his hangings with enough force to tear the fabric. The room was silent.

"I don't belong to him, I don't!" Lily cried, and let out a wretched sob.

Peter and Frank, who were now standing – everyone seemed to be, except Lily and Remus – looked away. Emily and Mary quietly hurried out. Olivia wavered, found herself on the end of a cold look from Peter, and left the dormitory. Alice stayed, with a look directed towards Sirius that made it very clear any more comments about Lily wouldn't be tolerated. Frank looked nervous at the thought.

This left Remus sitting on the floor. Lily hid behind her hands. James hid inside his four-poster. Alice and Sirius glared at each other.

And Remus could only look at Lily, and feel a fresh wave of guilt wash over him. It hurt to see her like that – almost as much as it hurt him to see James. Because she shouldn't be struggling with guilt, like he should. This wasn't her fault. But she was too kind not to feel James' pain as her own, and too clever not to see herself as the cause of it. And as much as they argued and she protested the contrary, Lily did care for James. She was just painfully aware that she could never return the love he showed her.

The damage had already been done, Remus told himself.

_They can't kill me twice. Can they?_

He shuffled over and gently prized her hands away, taking them into his own. A miserable countenance looked into his. Her cheeks shone with tears and she bit her lip to keep it steady.

"Hey", he said softly, allowing himself a moment of tenderness with Lily as she linked their fingers together and smiled her thanks for the look of concern he gave her. "Let's get you to bed."

_I can't hurt you if I'm not with you. And I don't want Sirius to talk to you like that, ever again._

This was apparently the wrong thing to say, because another sob escaped Lily and she caught him round the neck, mumbling assurances and slurred promises. He could smell Firewhiskey and flowers.

"Don't Remus, don't do it – listen – please – Remus. You don't have to belong to him, either."

She tried to kiss him, but he pulled away. He knew what she was trying to do. He knew the kiss was more for James' sake than it was for his. Except James was hidden from sight, and only Alice, Frank, Peter and Sirius were left to watch them. And Sirius was watching them with something that looked uncommonly like hate in his eyes.

Remus got to his feet and Lily did the same. Her eyes lingered on Peter, as if she was wondering what his part in this cruel ruse had been; Sirius had planned it, Remus and James had been oblivious, and Frank wouldn't have stood for it. Perhaps Peter had known all along, and Sirius had persuaded him to keep quiet.

She leant on him as he led her over to the dormitory door, playing with his hand in both of hers, silently imploring him to stay with her. And maybe she was being selfish, because she knew she was the cause of this rift. But she needed something from him, a promise that he wouldn't – that he couldn't abandon her so quickly. But he made no show of affection. It seemed impossible they'd been laughing and holding each other in the same spot just an hour ago. He moved Lily from his shoulder to Alice's. The loss of Lily's touch, the loss of contact was a physical ache and he felt it like a kick in the throat as he closed the door and fell against it.


	10. Day 5: A Frank Dilemma

Day 5: A Frank Dilemma

* * *

Remus woke up. Which was nice. He hadn't been expecting to.

_This is nice. _

Peter was searching the floor by his bed for a clean sock.

"Alright Pete?"

He peered around the dormitory. Mercifully empty.

_Is James waiting under the invisibility cloak to hex me?_

"Oh. Hey Remus." Peter glanced up briefly. "I'm not supposed to talk to you."

"James and Sirius' idea?"

Peter left the dormitory without a reply.

_You as well then, Pete._

This left Remus wondering what he was going to do today.

_Sunday. A whole day without lessons. A whole day to laugh and joke with the other Marauders._

It was pretty clear his usual Sunday plan wasn't going to be an option today. He'd have to come up with a new one.

_Hmm._

He decided he'd make a list.

_Remus Lupin's new-and-improved splendiferous Sunday plan:_

_Break:_

_-fast_

_-up with Lily_

_-my heart in the process_

Frank came in through the door just as he was considering adding Sirius' nose to the list. Or his jaw. Or whatever part of his roommate he could get his hands on.

_Sirius did warn me. Maybe I should have listened._

But he should never have called Lily a whore, Remus told himself. Not even James could have been happy about that.

"Been down in the Common Room", Frank said. "James and Sirius are none too happy about last night. And neither are the girls."

"Anything happened?"

"No – not yet. Although I think Alice wants to hex Sirius if he so much as looks at Lily again."

_I think I want to do more than hex Sirius. And I don't care who he's looking at. _

"How is she?"

"Lily?"

"Yeah."

"She's – I think she's alright." Frank paused. "Look, Remus. Alice tells me Lily cares deeply about you."

Now, being boys, Frank and Remus weren't about to start talking openly and honestly about their feelings. That was preposterous. They were two self-respecting wizards, after all. But both knew just how good Alice and Lily were at talking about their feelings. Far better than they were themselves. And as Frank would often say: it was always easier to talk about your girlfriend's feelings than your own.

_Okay, then. Lily's feelings._

"Lily cares deeply about me." Remus repeated the phrase. Which actually meant:

_I care deeply about Lily too._

Frank understood, and continued.

"And Alice thinks that James, and especially Sirius, are being unreasonable and you should ignore them."

Which, of course, actually meant:

**_I think James, and especially Sirius, are being unreasonable and you should ignore them._**

"Tell Alice I say thanks."

_Thanks, Frank._

"I will."

**_No thanks is necessary._**

"And I think that – I mean, Alice thinks that—" Frank came dangerously close to saying what he actually meant, and paused to collect himself. "—that the other three ignoring you is stupid and I shouldn't join in just because Sirius says so."

**_I'm with you on this one Remus. _**

"I'm sure Lily appreciates Alice looking out for me."

_I'm more grateful than I can say. Or Lily can._

"Alice has to look out for Lily as well. I think Lily was pretty upset with the way things unfolded last night."

**_I know it hurts. And I'm sorry. And I'm here if you need anything. Except another talk. I don't think I could manage that._**

_Me neither. _

"Breakfast?" Remus offered. Frank nodded, and they left the dormitory.

_Break:_

_-fast._

One down, two to go.

* * *

Remus' breakfast trip to the Great Hall was interrupted by the appearance of something appetising in the Common Room.

_Right. Make it quick. Cruelness is kindness in the long run._

Something appetising walked over, and before he could do anything, laid her head against his chest and linked her arms around his neck, looking like she quite wanted to crawl back into bed for the rest of the day. And quite wanted him to join her.

**No – it is entirely too early for Lilyland!**

A pair of green eyes blinked up at him in greeting.

_And a good morning to you too, Miss Evans._

The eyes, which were offset by some rather lovely lashes, enquired, innocently enough, whether their favourite werewolf still loved them.

_Yes – I mean, no – no, what I mean is– stop it! You know I can't think when you look at me like that._

Remus continued his Lily-looking. This had the unfortunate consequence of replacing all his thoughts of Lily-leaving, by a neat process of substitution, with thoughts of Lily-loving.

_Damn._

Several of the thoughts contained some rather specific instructions on how this Lily-loving could be achieved.

_No they most certainly did not. _

Remus made a mental note never to listen to himself ever again.

_Repeat after me: _

_I, Remus Lupin am a chaste werewolf._

_I, Remus Lupin am a chaste werewolf._

_I am untempted by my Lily-thoughts._

_I am untempted by my Lily-thoughts._

_My thoughts of Lily are those of a close and concerned friend._

_My thoughts of Lily are—_

_Rosy lips and snowy hips and tender sighs and slender thighs._

_Oops._

"Hey, you", Lily said, breaking his train of thought just in time to save herself from yet another imagined Remus-ravishing. "How was last night?"

_Last night. Well you see, after you left, James and Sirius and me smoothed everything and were best friends again in the blink of a Hippogriff's eye._

Transformations aside, the night before had been the worst he could remember. The tension in the dormitory had been thick enough to cut with a knife; James had emerged from his hangings just once, and had torn into Sirius for keeping the secret from him. No one had spoken after he'd returned to bed, and after half an hour it had become patently clear that no one was going to sleep much. There was only silence, lying heavy like a cloak on the dormitory, listened to by the five boys. Remus had hardly slept a wink; partly from fear that he wouldn't wake up if he fell asleep, but mostly because he couldn't – the guilt that festered in his stomach made any relief impossible. After what seemed like an age, morning had finally come. And with it had come a resolution.

"It was alright, you know. Nothing much happened."

"Glad to hear it", she said, smiling and immediately wincing as she clutched her head. "I think the stairs and I are going to disagree if I try and go down for breakfast."

Remus gave her a long look.

_So even when you're hung-over and half-asleep, you can still beguile me into fetching your breakfast. _

But he also knew that if you were going to break up with someone, it was best not to do it on an empty stomach.

"The usual?" he asked.

"Please", Lily said, as sweetly as she could.

He pretended to have a long think. "If I remember correctly, it's one bowl of muesli, two slices of toast, one strawberry jam, one marmalade, both cut into triangles, orange juice and an apple."

Considering how delectable Lily looked when she'd just woken up, it was no surprise that Remus knew exactly what her breakfast consisted of. And how she ate it. And how he forgot all about his own when she brushed a crumb from the corner of her mouth.

Lily's face fell. "And all that time I thought you just wanted to look me, and you were just memorising my breakfast order instead."

_That happened by accident. I'd have you over muesli any day._

"Sorry to disappoint", he said, grinning. "Would Madam like anything else?"

"A morning kiss."

_Oh._

Lily watched him carefully, almost fearfully, for any indication to the decision he'd come to during the night.

_I don't think I can do that, Lils._

Remus faltered for a moment. He knew he shouldn't. He knew it was a terrible idea that would only lead to tears and misery and more betrayal.

But he did. It was soft and clumsy. Stale Firewhiskey had never tasted so good.

_Kindness is cruelness in the long run._

* * *

Remus was about halfway to the Great Hall when he realised that – excepting the possibility that in the depths of his misery, he had gone on hunger strike –James Potter would almost certainly be sitting at the Gryffindor Table.

_Ah._

So, in the interests of preserving his own life – and more importantly, Lily's breakfast – he picked the less-lethal option of visiting the Kitchens and asked the House Elves if they could spare a few minutes to prepare breakfast for two. Twenty minutes later, and carrying a picnic hamper the size of a suitcase, Remus returned to the Common Room, only for Lily to blush in pleasure, and rush up the girls' staircase as soon as she saw him.

As far as he could remember, Remus had never heard anything about witches being mortally afraid of picnic hampers. And he was fairly sure that when they'd encountered a boggart during a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson in fourth year, the boggart hadn't become picnic-hamper-shaped when Lily had approached it. Then again, he wasn't very experienced when it came to witches.

_Maybe they're all frightened of picnic hampers._

At that moment Lily reappeared with a beaming smile and a picnic blanket. "I think breakfast outside is a lovely idea", she said, taking his hand in hers and leading him out the Portrait Hole.

_She knows! She definitely knows I'm going to break up with her. That's why we're eating outside. So she can kill me. No witnesses. And then she can feed me to the Acromantula in the Forbidden Forest. _

Remus suddenly felt very afraid of picnic hampers.

* * *

They ended up sitting out by the Great Lake, and were greeted with a splash from the Giant Squid, who raised a tentacle in greeting.

"You know", Lily said, leaning to rest her head on Remus' shoulder, "when I woke up this morning I wasn't sure if you'd still be here."

_I won't be for much longer._

He twisted uncomfortably and said nothing. Lily's hand closed around his.

"I'm glad you did", she said, and the affection in her voice was like a knife to hear.

_Say it. Say it now._

Remus lay back on the bank and gazed up at the sky, wondering if he could charm the clouds into some kind of message so he wouldn't have to break the news to her face to face. Lily, blissfully unaware of his thoughts, joined him on the grass. They stayed there, side by side, for some time; at least, until Lily realised Remus made a rather comfortable pillow and curled up against him, her head resting on his chest. A long, loud yawn escaped her.

"Tired?"

"Mm-hmm." A smile quirked her lips as she turned to look at him, her cheek resting in her palm. "But don't try that on with me, Lupin."

"What?" he asked, smiling in spite of himself as Lily continued to look mysterious.

"My mother warned me about sleeping with boys", she whispered, her breath warm on his chin.

Remus tried to imagine how Mrs. Evans would react to the news her daughter was – _had been_ – dating a werewolf. "Did she say anything about sleeping on them?"

Lily giggled. "I don't think so", she said, wriggling closer. "But I won't tell if you don't."

A sense of unease stole through Remus, and he contented himself with running a hand through the wave of hair that fanned out across his chest. Lily sighed. Somehow, he thought, it didn't matter if they kept it a secret or one person who mattered already knew.

* * *

Mrs. Evans' advice, it seemed, had not left much of an impression on her daughter, because she promptly dozed off in Remus' arms. This left Remus – who had gone from being a pillow to a full-length mattress – unable to do anything but hold Lily as she slept, smiling to herself at the pleasant Remus-dream she was currently in.

_There won't be many more of those._

The wolfish object of Lily's dreams tried to think how he was going to tell her that her Remus-dream was very nearly over. He didn't make much progress, unfortunately, because his thoughts kept being derailed by the girl sleeping in his arms, who was looking particularly kissable as she slept, which resulted in Remus having a few Lily-dreams of his own.

_Well, we could spend an hour or two under the picnic blanket…_

Lily shifted slightly, and let out a long, soft sigh, seemingly in agreement with this idea. Remus tried to remember if witches woke up when you started kissing them, and was just debating whether or not to follow this course of action – when he noticed one of the clouds above them was moving considerably faster than the others.

On its own, this wouldn't have been cause for concern. Only, this cloud was moving directly towards Remus, and seemed to be getting even faster. It was also beginning to look quite feathery.

_Erm – _

Half a second before impact the cloud sprouted wings. It flapped them a few times, experimentally, and landed on his wrist.

"Hello", Remus said to the cloud, which looked uncommonly like an owl.

"Hoot", the owl-cloud said, and stuck out a leg with a scrap of parchment attached. Remus removed it, and the owl-cloud flew off.

_Moony,_

_James is in the RoR. _

_Pete._

It seemed he was expected to pay a visit.

* * *

"So", Alice began, reaching for the pitcher of pumpkin juice. "What's the secret, Remus?"

The last thing Remus had wanted was a lunch that was, to all appearances, a double-date. But when Lily had entered the Great Hall and spotted Alice, he'd been dragged away before he could protest. And now the four of them were sitting there: Remus, Frank, Lily and Alice – or, as the rest of the school doubtless saw them, Remus-and-Lily, and Frank-and-Alice. Including Sirius and Peter (not Sirius-and-Peter, in spite of the Slytherin rumours about the Marauders) who were currently performing some advanced Transfiguration by staring daggers at Remus down the Gryffindor table.

He nodded weakly in their direction, before turning back to Alice. "What?"

"What's the secret?" Alice asked. "You make casting a Patronus look so easy – we're all wondering what you're thinking about when you cast it."

_Oh… nothing in particular…_

Lily's cheeks were glowing. Frank, seeing Remus was about to talk, began motioning wildly.

_What is it Frank? Fire? – Fire?! No – wait, you're choking? No, not that either. What? Stop? Stop? Yes! Stop what? Silence! Ah, stop talking. _

"Um – I guess – I just do everything Proctor tells me too", Remus said lamely. Frank gave him a none-too-subtle thumbs-up. Lily speared a chicken drumstick with her fork.

_Well, that's not particularly subtle either._

"And think of my favourite Gryffindor", he added.

"Our favourite Gryffindor", Frank corrected, pressing a hand to the lion crest on his robes. "For the glory of Godric!" he cried, sending a bowl of soup belonging to a particularly skittish first year over the side of the table.

_Can't say I'm following here._

By now, Lily was attacking her chicken drumstick with enough vigour to make Remus fear for his health.

"I think of Lily when I cast a Patronus."

Lily broke into a wide smile that suggested everything was forgiven. Frank looked positively fearful.

_Sorry Frank. I'm a snitch for my witch. _

Alice gave Lily an _aww isn't that so sweet your boyfriend is so wonderful_ look. Then she turned to Frank, realised that Lily had Remus, she had Frank, quite literally put two and two together, and finished with a suspicious look at her own boyfriend.

"What?" Frank asked, in a tone of fearful expectation.

"What do you think about when you try to cast a Patronus, Frank?" Alice asked.

This question was one Remus liked to call a Frank Dilemma.

A Frank Dilemma consisted of a question, asked by Alice, with two or more answers, none of which were correct. In this situation, Frank was faced with two options:

1\. He could tell Alice he thought of her when he tried to cast a Patronus. This would suggest that Remus loved Lily more than he loved Alice.

2\. He could tell Alice he thought of something else when he tried to cast a Patronus, in which case he'd be admitting there was something he loved more than Alice.

The only guarantee with a Frank Dilemma was that Frank would, inevitably, pick a wrong answer; several long, drawn-out arguments would quickly ensue, and in particularly bad cases, Alice would start crying – which always left Remus wondering why she'd asked the question in the first place.

Now, Frank had, over the course of his long relationship with Alice, become rather good at spotting Frank Dilemmas, and had developed numerous defence mechanisms: dodging the question, running away from Alice, feigning deafness, injuring himself and escaping to the Hospital Wing, getting himself put in detention, and turning the Frank-Dilemma into an Alice-Impasse.

"Well, you can't cast a Patronus either."

"I'm rubbish at defence", Alice countered, in a tone that suggested Frank was the one who should feel guilty.

"Maybe Remus just has one, really great memory of Lily, while we've been going out for longer and so I have a harder time choosing from all the – er – really good memories, that we have together?" Frank felt sure this was a logical point to make.

"Are you saying our memories aren't special?" Alice demanded. "Would you rather have memories with Lily? Is that it?"

For her part, Lily winked at Frank and licked all the whipped cream off a strawberry cream tart she took from a dessert platter.

_If you don't stop that right now, I'm dragging you off to the Prefect's Bathroom._

Alice turned to Lily, who pretended to look serious and quickly covered her mouth – hiding a smile and half a dessert at the same time. "Can we go back to the Common Room?"

"Of course", Lily said, giving Alice a look of silent consolidation for coming second in the best-boyfriend stakes as she led her out of the Great Hall.

Frank scurried after them, trying to make amends, while Lily dropped back to Remus, whose resolution to be a chaste werewolf was being severely tested by those stubborn flecks of cream on her lips.

"You've – you've still got a bit of dessert here", he said, brushing at his own lips with his thumb.

Lily brought up a hand but he caught her wrist and held her still, ignoring her look of surprise. He just had to hope that Alice and Frank were too busy arguing to notice their absence—

_Five…four…three… two…yum…_

–which they were, disappearing round the corner without looking back to check if Remus and Lily were following.

Remus immediately took advantage of their lack of company and pinned Lily to the wall, proceeding to lose himself in a bliss that tasted like strawberries and cream.

_Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest._

It took him several long, delicious minutes to remember why the Lily-fruit was forbidden, and – albeit reluctantly – stop kissing the girl and release her.

_Prongs. Remember Prongs._

"Wow. Maybe I should flirt with Frank more often", Lily managed, smiling as she caught her breath again.

"Maybe", Remus said, trying and failing to return her smile. He stepped back. "Look, Lily, I really have to go—"

_And just to let you know, you'll probably never see me again. I don't think werewolves turn into ghosts when they're killed._

Lily caught the edge in his voice. "What's wrong?"

"James wants to see me."

Lily frowned. "Should I come?"

"Nah. Not much point." He chuckled bleakly. "Can't have the topic of conversation turning up and taking sides."


	11. Day 5 (II): Almost Indistinguishable

Day 5½: Almost Indistinguishable

* * *

_I need to see James._

I need to see James.

Remus paced up and down the corridor on the seventh floor, eyes closed, all concentration centred on one thought.  
_  
I need to see James._

When a ten-foot high wrought-iron door materialises beside you, it rarely does it quietly.  
_  
Much appreciated, Room._

The Room of Requirement had gone minimalist. All the furniture had been ordered out, and the walls had been whitewashed. Remus' eye was immediately drawn to the centre of the room, where a dozen marble plinths had been ranged in a wide circle. On top of each plinth was a wooden block, roughly hewn, that served for target practice. And at the centre of the circle was James - a blur of motion, constantly turning, his wand outstretched and aloft as he dispatched the wooden targets with ruthless efficiency. Sweat dripped in beads down his forehead as he spun and reduced two slabs of wood to kindling, and followed up a third with an incendiary hex. A few seconds later, the plinths were replenished, and new blocks would appear.

_He's going to make one hell of an Auror one day.  
_  
Remus took a tentative step forward as James continued his controlled demolition of the stone and timber around him.

He coughed.

No response.

He coughed, louder.

Still nothing.

"Prongs?"

"What do you want, Moony?" came the reply through gritted teeth.

_Lots of things. But right now, you putting the wand away is top of the list by a very uncomfortable margin.  
_  
"I – er – wanted to talk."

"So talk", James said, not skipping a beat as he spun to unleash another hex. Remus wasn't going to wait on a more polite invitation.

"It's about last night. About Lily."

"Sirius - _Reducto! - _tells me that you took her to this very room."

He nodded, once.

"Sirius also says—" A streak of red, silently cast, raced inches past Remus' ear and he internalised a shudder. "—that you took her to the Prefect's Bathroom. Did you?"

"I – yes."

James sent a particularly explosive hex spiralling low into a block of wood, ripping a chunk of marble from the plinth beneath it. "Did you?" he repeated.

"Did I what?"

Remus clocked onto what James was actually asking.

_Oh. __**That.**_

"Don't play dumb with me, Moony."

_It's a simple yes or no, Remus. You do owe him that much._

"Yeah. I did." He hated how the words sounded, how they felt in his throat.

"Why?"

James wasn't really asking why he did it. It was common knowledge that werewolves were partial to tender teenage girls. Especially if the girl in question looked like Lily Evans.

"Moony?"

He was stalling.

"It was a moment of weakness — Lily was really cut up about Hamish, and I was comforting her, and I guess we got a bit closer than we usually do—"

James laughed, bitterly. "A moment of weakness tends not to last for days, Moony."

_No, I suppose not. _

"Look — Prongs." The nickname, a mark of friendship, no longer seemed appropriate. "I fucked up, and I'm really sorry—"

The laugh returned. There was something so deeply false in it that it unnerved Remus.

"I don't want your apologies, Moony. You were supposed to be my best mate. You were the one bloke I could rely on completely when Sirius was off chasing witches and drinking and being Sirius. Before last night, I would have trusted you with my life. And you threw it all away for a _quick fix_—"

"It wasn't like that, James. I'm not trying to be Sirius here, I just loved Lily and wanted to show her that—"

There was a sharp _crack_ and an even sharper, metallic scent filled the space between Remus and James as the air, oversaturated with the Room's magic and now James' rage, dissipated.

"Don't. You _dare_ call it that. You wouldn't have done this if that were true, and you'd put her best interests at heart."

Something flared up inside Remus. "Because you've done such a great job of making Lily happy these past few years? You didn't have this much of a problem with Hamish."

"Hamish wasn't supposed to be my brother."

"Hamish doesn't have a furry little problem, though, does he?" Remus asked. Acid dripped from every syllable.

Neither boy spoke. Both knew, instinctively, that a line had been crossed.

"Don't you ever forget", James said, after a minute of silence, "that I was the one who convinced Sirius and Peter to accept you for what you were."

_"H-how do we know if it's safe?"_

_"I dunno about this, James."_

_"For Merlin's sake, Sirius, it's Remus. He's still our mate. How many times have we slept in the same room together? And how many times has he tried to eat you? If we sleep down in the Common Room, we'll never live it down with the third- and fourth-years - they'll think we're having nightmares, or flooing our mothers because we're homesick. And I thought we were all agreed that Peter was the one to look out for if anyone's going to be climbing into other bloke's beds in the night..."_

_"He's got a point there, Pete."_

_"Can you two just stop with that bloody rumour - no, I don't think it's funny, Sirius, if Nancy Allcot asks me if I think Edward Clearwater is 'my type' every Charms lesson!"_

_"No smoke without fire, Pete." _

James had been in his corner from day one.

"Look, Moony." James tried again. "I don't doubt what you feel for Lily. I'm pretty sure I'm in the same boat."

_Have you seen the girl? It's a pretty big boat. _

For one golden, glorious moment, Remus had the hope that James was going to give him his blessing, and tell him that if he loved Lily then he should be happy with her. But James gave him no such consolation.

"But all I want - all I need - is for you to look me in the eye and can tell me that you've got Lily's best interests in mind, and that her being with you is going to make her happy."

_Oh._

* * *

The two vials from the night before had been left on the chest at the end of Sirius' bed.

_Veritaserum: a clear, colourless, odourless liquid, almost indistinguishable from water.  
_  
Remus emptied the vial into the sink.

"Aguamenti."

_Water: a clear, colourless, odourless liquid, almost indistinguishable from Veritaserum._

* * *

Remus well-deserved afternoon nap in the Common Room was interrupted.

There was a familiar weight on his shoulder, and a familiar scent.

_Lils - we need to talk -_

Remus blearily opened an eye to be greeted by a mass of hair that was decidedly not his favourite shade of orange. It was brown.

_Alice!_

"What's going on Prewett?" he asked in his best-prefect voice. The one usually reserved for disciplining second-years.

"We're making Frank jealous", Alice whispered, gazing up at Remus from her new shoulder-perch. "And I do believe it's working", she said, waving with excitement across the Common Room, where Frank was watching them with an expression to suggest he wouldn't be particularly bothered if James Potter appeared and started hexing Remus into an Alice-absent oblivion.

Remus lifted his hands in a gesture of apology. Alice scooted under his arm.

_For the love of hippogriffs please stop-_

"James, Sirius and Peter already want to kill me. Do we have to add Frank to the list?" he asked, aiming for threatening but finding threatened instead.

"Stop being such a _prefect_, Remus, it's no fun. I hope you're planning on punishing Lily for flirting with him."

_I already did. And it was whipped cream wonderful.  
_  
Remus remembered he'd never be able to do anything like that ever again.

Alice saw his expression and adopted a similar look of concern. "Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

Remus thought about this.

_"__The longer you wait, the harder it'll be."_

And Sirius had been right, right about everything. He never should have kissed Lily the first night; he never should have held her by a fireplace and admitted to himself that he loved her; he never should have let a girl come between him and James; he never should have kept it from James.

Grief, acting in a way which often leaves people horizontal, left Remus lying on the sofa, with his head in Alice's lap. He buried his head in her jumper.

"Lily said you went to talk to James."

There was a note of apprehension in Alice's voice.

"I don't know how I'm going to do it", he said bitterly. "Or if I even can.

"You don't have to do anything."

"It's not that simple."

"Why not?" she asked, looking down with sisterly affection. "Why - why does James get to be selfish and possessive when it comes to Lily, but you don't?"

"I'm the selfish one here."

"No you're not, Remus. You're the only one who sees her for who she is, not James'-in-waiting. I've seen the way you look at her. Frank never looks at me like that."

_Frank's just - Frank's the emotional equivalent of Professor Flitwick. Lovable, but stunted. _

"Come off it, Alice. You know Frank loves you."

"I know. just wish—" she paused in frowning thought. "I just wish it was the way you loved her. Like nothing else really mattered at all."


	12. Night 6: Do You Love Me?

Night 6: Do You Love Me?

* * *

Lily was quieter than usual as they left the Portrait Hole for their nightly patrol.

This suited Remus just fine. He was currently having several conversations with himself.

_Loyal-Remus: Leave her._

_Love-Remus: Love her._

_Loyal-Remus: We must respect James' wishes and feelings._

_Love-Remus: We must respect Lily's wishes and feelings._

_Lust-Remus: You're forgetting an important variable here._

_Loyal-Remus: What's that?_

_Lust-Remus: Lily is much prettier than James._

_Loyal-Remus: We are not to be swayed by such shallow considerations. _

_Love-Remus: But he's right. James is short, speccy and has shit hair. Lily looks like an angel with an orange halo._

_Lust-Remus: Mmm. All t__hat soft, warm, creamy skin. Who cares what Lily feels. I want to know what she feels **like**. Every night._

_Loyal-Remus: Obviously not every night._

_Love-Remus: We have to remember the full moon._

_Lust-Remus: Indeed. The scrumptious, scrumptious promise of the full moon._

_Love-Remus: …_

_Loyal-Remus: Really? Again?_

_Werewolf-Remus-who-has-been-discovered-to-be-Lust-Remus: Why are you looking at me like that? It's me, Lust-Remus. The part of you that does all the Lily-lusting. You keep going on about how tasty she is, please, please just let me have one bite… I'll make sure it's quick and painless._

_Love-Remus: Don't. Even. Think. About. It._

_Loyal-Remus: He's right. We shouldn't damage James' property._

_Love-Remus: Lily is not James' property!_

_Loyal-Remus: James saw her first. By the law of keepsies she's rightfully his._

A softer voice brought Remus out of his reverie. "You know, if you're looking for advice on having arguments with James Potter, I happen to know someone whose rather qualified in that particular department."

"And who would that be?" he asked, grinning in spite of himself.

Lily's smile said it was her. Her hand said it was a good idea if he followed her into this broom cupboard. And sit so their knees were touching and they could gaze into each other's eyes.

One with love, one with love and regret.

_It's always been you, Lils. But__ forever and always ends in about five minutes from now. _

"Lily – look", he said, clutching a mop for courage. "I'm a werewolf."

"A werewolf?" she asked, playfully.

_Er _– _yup?_

"Oh." She gave Remus a look that made his heart leap and his stomach sink. "See, I thought you were _my_ werewolf."

_Look _– _about that._

Remus closed his eyes and searched for the words that carried the least bite.

_Maybe she won't cry that much. I mean, I know she cried when Hamish dumped her. But Hamish is tall, and good-looking, and a seventh-year, and a Ravenclaw, and his jokes are probably much better than mine._

"Lily, this – this isn't going to work out."

Lily looked more worried at this than when he'd confessed to becoming a savage, bloodthirsty beast every full moon.

"What did James say to you, Remus?" she asked, her eyes narrowing. "Because I know he's spent years filling your head with stupid ideas, and this doesn't sound all that different."

"James didn't say anything", he replied, the intent in his voice enough to frighten her into silence. "I'm a beast, Lily."

"No you're not—"

I'm a beast for what I'm about to do to you.

"—and we are not doing this again."

"You deserve better, Lils."

"I can decide who and what I deserve", Lily replied, with perfect composure, which softened to tenderness at his miserable expression. "And I've decided on you. And you deserve someone as much as anyone."

"Where do you think this is going?" he asked, bitterly. "The Ministry doesn't want creatures like me at Hogwarts. I'm only here because Dumbledore gave me a place personally. You think it's like that in the real world for – for my kind? Career prospects for a werewolf are about as common as friendly Hungarian Horntails. How do think this is going to pan out? When you get your perfect NEWTs and land a cushy job at the Ministry and I'm left persecuted, destitute – _I haven't got a future, Lily _– so I can't have a future with you."

"You've thought about your future with me in it, haven't you?" she asked, and he could see she was touched by his consideration.

Remus steeled himself. "Look – I don't want to be with you."

Lily frowned. "I don't think that's quite true, Remus."

"Don't you?"

"No. But I can tell you something that is."

Her gaze carried a challenge that translated from human to werewolf pretty well.

_No. Don't you dare. Don't you even think about saying it._

"I—" Lily stood on the precipice and took a deep breath. "I love you Remus. And I'm not going to give you up every time you start feeling insecure about your lycanthropy."

Something stopped working in Remus' chest.

"I don't love you", he whispered, his voice hoarse.

Lily's eyes widened in shock and she visibly flinched, and for a moment he had the twisted hope she'd believe him and succumb to tears. But she didn't, she just frowned in confusion. "I don't believe you."

"Look, Lils, I'm sorry you misinterpreted things, but—"

"Stop it! Stop it! I don't know why you're doing this – if James and Sirius have put you up to it, but I'm not falling for it, Remus. I know you love me. I've seen it." Her eyes were green flint.

And then, in a moment of awful realisation, Remus grasped what he had to do, and why he had to do it. He had to convince Lily this was his choice, and not James'. Otherwise she would hate James for coming between them. She could hate him instead. And that way, he could do right by James. He had to do the right thing. He had to use the bottles.

_Plan B._

And why should Lily believe him? She was clever, she could read him – his only hope was that she was insecure enough to think he was telling the truth.

"Try me." He pulled the vial of veritaserum out of his pocket.

_This is going to hurt – a lot – Lils. More than I've ever hurt you before. Maybe in a few years you'll know I did it for your own good._

Lily paled. For the first time she seemed to consider the possibility that he was telling the truth.

_Well?_

She nodded, and Remus placed two drops of the liquid on his tongue.

"What's your name?"

"Remus Lupin."

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen years old. Precisely, seventeen years, six months and twenty-four days."

His voice gave nothing away.

"Are you a werewolf?"

"Yes."

"Do you love me?"

_Yes. _

"No."

For as long as he lived, Remus remembered the look on Lily's face. All the things she'd cherished, the dream, the love, the secret belief that Remus and her could be something special, something more—

Vanished.

He instinctively reached forward, desperate to tell her it was all a lie, needing to comfort her, to hold her in his arms and tease her for believing he could possibly do anything other than love her. But her hand twisted out of his, and he remembered his duty.

"The night – the night we spent together?"

"Yeah, that was fun."

It sounded like he was talking about a Quidditch match, or a well-executed prank.

"No." Lily whispered. "I thought – you said it was—" she hiccuped, wetly.

A single, broken sound, and all her hope broke as she dissolved into tears.

"Just go – I know you don't to want to stay – I – I know you don't want me."

_I do. You're all I ever wanted._

There was a trembling hand on his chest, keeping him at bay, ensuring he couldn't touch her, hold her, hurt her anymore. And her shoulders shook, she was swallowing convulsively, and he realised she was crying without a sound, and all he could do was leave, leave Lily to her noiseless grief.

But he couldn't reply.

* * *

"You're back from patrol early", Peter said, glancing up from the game of Exploding Snap he was playing with Frank. Remus made a beeline for his bed, but Sirius intercepted him and pulled him into the bathroom.

"Spending half an hour in a broom cupboard—"

Remus gave Sirius a glare that shone with tears.

_Maybe I can't chuck them as quickly as you, Black._

He didn't have to say a word. Sirius knew.

"Oh – well – you did the right thing Moony."

_No I didn't._


	13. Day 6: My Miserable Reflection

Day 6: My Miserable Reflection

* * *

Daylight filtered bright through his hangings. Remus rolled over. Something hot and broken crawled out from beneath his ribs and into his throat. He remembered.

_Lily._

He hoped she'd made it back to Gryffindor Tower last night.

A groan escaped him as he looked out between his hangings. Perhaps he could convince Madam Pomfrey that the lunar chart in her office was wrong by a week and a half, that the full moon had been last night, and stay in bed for the whole day. Especially since Sirius was now giving him a cheery well-done-mate-you've-done-the-right-thing grin from across the dormitory. Clearly, he had decided that Remus and Lily had been a brief, but excusable mistake and they should all move on from it as quickly as possible.

_Brief, but wonderful._

Remus' body managed to dress itself. His mind floated off in the direction of the girls' dormitory before remembering it was Strictly Forbidden.

Perhaps all this trouble could have been avoided if Lily had been called something like Strictly Forbidden, and hadn't had such a sweet, beautiful, alluring name like Lily Evans.

Somehow, he doubted it.

_A Lily by any other name would smell as sweet._

Downstairs, there was a familiar figure in the Common Room. Alice. Maybe Lily would have been waiting in her place if last night hadn't happened. He'd tell her a joke as they walked down to breakfast, and she'd smile sleepily and link her fingers through his as she told him how glad she was he'd straightened things out with James and how much she was looking forward to spending the day with him. But there was Alice instead, giving him a look that was usually reserved for Sirius when he broke some poor girl's heart and laughed it off the next day.

_I'm definitely not laughing._

As she approached Remus tried his best not to quail in fear.

_Frank's braver than I thought._

"You", Alice began, hands on hips, voice sharp, "have got a whole lot of explaining to do, Remus Lupin."

_Yes ma'am._

"—because I thought I made it crystalclear last night that you should ignore every word that came out of James Potter's and Sirius Black's mouths, and if you were going to do anything un-bloody-believably stupid, you should at least break the news gently—"

_Yes – well – _

"—and getting Lily to admit she loves you, only so you can tell her don't love her, most certainly _does not_ qualify as 'breaking the news gently'."

_No, it does not._

Remus rummaged around for an excuse and came up empty-handed.

"I had to."

"Why?"

_You know what? Fuck this. I've done enough lying for one lifetime this week. _

"Because – James needed me to. And it wasn't fair to him. And now she'll hate me instead of him."

_It wasn't fair to her either. Or to me._

Alice looked confused for a moment; then a flicker of understanding passed across her features. "But that means—" she looked almost hopeful. "Lily said there was Veritaserum. There wasn't any, was there?"

Remus did his best impression of a silencing charm.

Alice continued, miserable and relieved. "I still don't know how you convinced her – a couple of days ago she said it was funny because she'd liked you for ages, and now she got to spend ages with you. Last night…" she paused to take a deep breath. "Last night after she came back – it was awful. She just sat at the foot of her bed and cried for ages and ages, until she was near senseless with misery; we couldn't get her to talk or say anything. It was only after Olivia and Emily and Mary went to bed that she I could coax some sense out of her, and she kept asking what it was she'd done wrong–"

"Nothing", Remus cut in. "She didn't do anything wrong – it was all me. It was a wretched trick I pulled. None of it was her fault."

"I tried telling her that", Alice said, sighing. "But Lily took it the wrong way, and then she took it out on me, and both of us said some things that we should probably forget."

"I don't think anyone's forgetting this anytime soon", he said, earning himself an Alice-hug for utter glumness.

_Thanks, sis._

Someone tapped Remus on the shoulder.

"Steady on there, Lupin." Frank was pretending to look serious. "You're not stealing my girlfriend as well."

"Would it kill you to show some _bloody _compassion, Frank?!" Alice snapped, holding Remus close to her and whispering an apology on the behalf of her boyfriend.

"Whoa – what have I done now?" Frank asked, taking a few steps back at the murderous look on Alice's face.

"You can't even _pretend_ to be considerate, can you? It shouldn't be that difficult, even for someone as emotionally challenged as you—"

"It's fine – really", Remus said, extracting himself from Alice's arms as he tried to save Frank from another full-on verbal onslaught. "He doesn't know yet."

"Know what?" Frank said suspiciously, his eyes narrowing as he looked from Remus to Alice. And then from Alice to Remus.

_Not that Frank. I'd never do that to you._

A week ago, he might have said the same to James about Lily.

_Lily._

"I broke up with Lily", he said bluntly.

Frank's mouth opened and his face fell into a perfect _oh shit _expression."What happened?"

_Tears, hate and heartbreak. So your average Prefect Patrol, pretty much._

"I told Lily some things she didn't really want to hear."

"They had a disagreement", Alice said kindly, saving Remus from retelling a story he really didn't want to relive.

She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and said something else. But Remus wasn't listening anymore, because someone had appeared at the bottom of the girls' staircase. She'd spotted him. He looked into those deep green eyes, made deeper and greener with hurt, and gazed into them as they asked him why, why he didn't love her, when she had been so sure he did—

_Still do._

—and they shone with unshed tears. Everything she'd ever felt for him was being laid bare for him to see, and it was worse than the night before, because at least then he'd had the belief that he was doing the right thing – even though he could see now what he'd done had been the furthest thing from right; it had been awful and twisted and false, and Lily had believed him, because she'd had to – and that certainty was worse than anything else.

And then she closed off, and there was nothing behind her eyes anymore; only a vague, sedate expression, which hurt just as much as the tears, because he understood what it meant. He knew that Lily had allowed herself to care for him, to love him and believe he could love her in return. She had made herself vulnerable, and he'd hurt her.

So now she was retreating within herself. She looked too tired to even be miserable.

All Remus wanted to do was tell her the truth. Three magic words.

_I love you._

Real magic.

But he couldn't. He could only stand and watch as she walked out of the Portrait Hole, broken by the thought that he didn't, couldn't ever feel for her in the same way she felt for him. Alice whispered something to him, but he didn't hear it. Then the hand on his shoulder was gone, and so was she.

* * *

Defence was first lesson after breakfast.

At the front of the classroom Lily sat flicking listlessly through her textbook. Remus opened his own copy and wondered what she could be reading. He skimmed through the chapter on _Dealing with Werewolves_. There was a lot on full moons and transformations and silver bullets, but there didn't seem to be anything on the dangers of giving your heart to a werewolf.

_Because I'll break it._

Proctor strolled in, leafing through his own textbook, and addressed the class. "Now, as you've read, every Patronus takes a different form. For example, mine – _Expecto Patronum! _– is a fox. And Mr Lupin's, as we all saw last lesson, is a wolf."

The Defence Professor motioned towards his new star pupil.

"Lupin?"

Peter elbowed him in the ribs, hard. Remus looked away from Lily.

"Mr Lupin, if you would be so kind as to show us your Patronus."

"My Patronus, sir?"

"Yes, Lupin."

Remus pulled his wand out of his pocket, his mind searching in vain for a memory that wasn't about _her._

"Lupin?"

Proctor was waiting.

"Expecto – expecto Patronum." Remus muttered, with a half-hearted flick. A few silver sparks materialised at the end of his wand.

"That's bound to happen from time to time, Mr Lupin, nothing to be worried about. Maybe you could demonstrate with a different memory?" Proctor gave him a nod of encouragement.

_Memories. That's all they are now._

"A different memory, sir?"

"Yes, Lupin."

Remus knew he had no chance of casting a Patronus, especially not now, not when Lily was sitting mere feet away, pointedly ignoring him; not out of spite or because she wanted to prove a point, but for the same reason he could barely look at her; because it hurt too much to see her and know she was no longer his, couldn't be. He closed his eyes and willed himself to dredge up a lone, positive memory. But there was only one memory in his head at that moment, repeated a hundred times.

_"Do you love me?"_

Proctor motioned for him to perform the spell. There were twenty expectant stares, all centred on him, and one green-eyed girl asking the question he could never answer. If a dementor happened to glide into the second floor Defence classroom at that very moment, Remus knew he would have been easy pickings. And he could pretty easily imagine what he'd hear if the dementor decided he would make a soulful snack.

_"Do you love me?"_

"I can't think of one at the moment, Professor. I'll let you know when I find a different memory."

Proctor gave him an inquisitive look, but didn't press the matter and went back to lecturing the class on the mechanics of the spell, which allowed Remus to look down at his textbook and studiously ignore whatever was written on the page in front of him. He didn't have to look across the classroom. He could feel her watching him.

_"No."_

Next to him, James was pretending to practice the spell; although from his expression the odds of him being able to cast a Patronus were slightly longer than the odds of Peter beating Gellert Grindelwald in a duel. He felt Lily look away, and glanced up to see her resting her head on Alice's shoulder. A comforting arm was offered by Alice, and taken as Lily leaned in closer to her friend, and whispered things Remus didn't want to hear.

And apparently, neither did Olivia Gobson, because she let out a cry and started wailing about lost love and broken hearts and how some bastard Ravenclaw called Adrian Corrie had dumped her for some Hufflepuff slut and good riddance to both of them and why did good things happen to good people like her? and why didn't Lily tell Remus to go and—

_Oh, do fuck off, Olivia._

And then Peter – shy, quiet Peter, who never did anything unless James or Sirius told him to – hit Olivia with a Tongue-Tying hex, or at least tried to, because he botched the incantation and cast a Tongue-Tieing hex instead – so instead of silencing Olivia her tongue rapidly lengthened to the size and shape of her school tie – and immediately became everyone's favourite Gryffindor, Proctor's least favourite, and was sent to Professor McGonagall's office to receive a week's detention.

Olivia was making gurgling noises and looking to be in some measure of discomfort. Proctor, very kindly, suggested a trip to see Madam Pomfrey. Alice helped her out of her seat, took one look at Lily and decided her best friend was also in need of a visit to the Hospital Wing.

The three girls left together: one in hysterics, one blinking back tears, and one wondering aloud why it was up to her to deal with everyone in her dormitory.

There was a muffled sob as the trio left the classroom. Remus prayed it came from Olivia.

_Misery really does love company._

He ate lunch alone.


End file.
